Demise

So her father died on December 16. He left the world in unconsciousness. He was in deep pain. Cancer cells reached his brain through blood and made his condition more severe. What an unbelievable situation where you wish anything for your parent that can ease their pain, be it death. She could not come. She saw her father though Skype. That was unbearable but it had passed. Time has to pass. For her, regrets of not being here during his last days would remain alive but life will still go on. May Allah forgive him, make his next life peaceful and grant him a special place in Jannah and give strength to my friend and her family to bear this great loss. Ameen!

Feeling terrible

I do't know what type of days these are. When one things goes wrong, every thing follows it. When you are going through the bad times, all bad news are searching for you, whether these are about you or about the people you are associated with. My very close friend's father is in hospital and is unconscious from last three days. She is out of the county for her PhD. This is making me really very upset. I can understand what she would be feeling right now and that makes me feeling so terrible and sad. I dont know how to respond to her emails and what to say in return, how to console her. She cant come right now and that's not only killing her, but me as well. Uncle is a very lively person. I always saw him welcoming me and  laughing on our stupid jokes. He has been suffering from liver cancer which is at its last stage. Seeing a cheerful person on machines is unbearable. May Allah give him healthy life. It's of course not a big deal for Him. And may Allah give strength to my dear friend and create an opportunity that she can return for a short time and spend few moments with her family in this time of distress.

I hear parents saying that parents cannot see their children in a suffering. To this, I would say that it's killing for children as well to see their ever loving parents suffering in a terrible situation like this.  I remember how my mother's illness used to kill me every day. Millions of thanks to Allah Almighty that He has blessed her with health. But how I can forget those moments. That's why whenever I hear about anyone's parents in the same situation, it makes me all teary. Prayers!

Pinky is my Hero0o0o!!!

My cutie pie munni friend Pinky has cleared the CSS exam. I am so proud of you Pinky! You are my hero and future DC also. xoxo

Pinky, the Hero!

Saturday, August 29, 2009

I cherished the times when we're together
I hoped that it would last forever
but now there's nothing I can do
today I’ll say my goodbye to you

Though it'll be long before I see you again
I know you will be happy there, safe and sound
and though I’ll miss you and love you that much
I know, my love for you is regardless of any bound

Time will pass, it would lessen the pain
but my feelings for you, it will stay the same

I’ll say my farewell
not to cry, I will not swear
I will miss you...

Friends Forever

On wednesday, Ta and umi visited me at home. It was a surprise visit. Cant explain in words how much happy I was. They did iftari with my family. Everyone at home was so excited to have them there. Even my father talked to them more than an hour. Dont know what they talked about, i was actually busy in Iftari prepation. They actually came to say good bye to my family, not me :) . So I visited them on thursday. We spent whole day together after a long time. They showed me their stuff which they were taking with them. I love their overcoats and long shoes. We talked alot, laughed alot on tiny things and also cried alot. Their moms were really upset. My mother and I consoled them alot. As both of my friends dont have brothers and they were running their homes like real daughters (I wont say like sons. Daughters can do more than a son can). So I assured them that I will be available for them for any type of help and I will inshaAllah mean it.

And finally we said good bye to each other for two years. They have taken alot of promises from me. The most important was that I would keep them as my best friends forever even having new friends and that I would join them next year. I dont know what lies in my future but I have promised them. I hope all good would happen in future. Ameen. My best wishes are with them. I hope this journey of two years would pass soon and they would rejoin us safe and sound. And their sacrifices would bear a very sweet fruit for them. Ameen.

The Farewell Party

Yesterday was the busiest day. A friend had invited us for the lunch. Umi and Ta picked me from the office and reached to Arizona Grill. The food was really good especially the grill chicken burger, so yummy.

Then I went with Umi to her home. Spent few time with her and her family. Went through her preparation and all stuff she is taking with her.

Our department had arranged a farewell party at Salt and Pepper Restaurant at 7:30 pm. I reached there at 8:30 pm because I was with the chief guests. Ta and Umi were looking very nice and I was quite dull yesterday. The food was good although we were not able to eat much because of the heavy lunch we already had. I tried my best to finish one kabab, one tikka, rice and a glass of fresh lime sprite (my fav). But still I had to bring home left over with me. I was thinking that it will be my last late night from now.

Till the comments session started, I tried to control myself fully. But all colleagues’ comments for them and for me as well made us so teary.

Yesterday I have realized how much people were envied of our friendship. They were shocked why I was not going with them to Sweden as we were used to do every thing together. They made me realized how much alone and grieved I have become. I heard many tchtch voices. Some advised Umi and Ta that they should not forget me in future and that they should do every thing possible for me. And what was the result; I was all in tears keeping my head down. I didn’t think then where I was sitting and who was looking at me.

I wondered no one has given any encouraging or consoling comment to me. No one has told me what I had been trying to understand that this is the part. They all kept on telling me that I am alone from now. No female colleague came out with “You are not alone. I will be with you now”.

I returned home with the heavy heart. I didn’t know when I slept while weeping all night. In the morning, my eyes were puffy and my dark circles were clearer than ever. At office, people are still passing by me saying ‘Oh Madam you are left alone”. I am thankful to all of them that they have finally made me realized that this is the biggest phase of my life I am going through. I don’t know what would whether I will be able or face it or not. But it is confirmed that I am left all alone.

Days to Remember

(Public Service Notice: Although no one visits this blog. But I still want to notify everyone, do not visit this blog for few days. It’s going to be more pathetic. Thank you).

There are two days, which will remain in my memory forever December 1 2004 and August 20, 2009.

On December 1, 2004, I joined the organization I am currently working in with two of my friends. We became friends during Masters. During studies, we visited once this org as our study tour. We were students of Research Methodology & Thesis, so they had offered us for working in their Research & Development department. We were called right after completing our last semester.

I still remember that the interviewing panel had asked us many questions about our friendship and that how much strong our friendship was. We were interviewed separately, so I did not know what they had answered but I got bit emotional while describing our friendship. After interview, they called us all in the room and told that they had only two seats but they did not want to separate us so they were employing three of us. I couldn’t explain in words how much I was happy at the moment. In the last year of our masters we were very upset but this reunion was like a blessing. Seeing our sparkling faces, one of the members of the interview panel told that he was feeling like he had reunited with his own old friends.

Well the time was so much great. Facing all problems together, sharing each other’s pains and burden, celebrating each success together, the whole four years were more than any thing for me. I must say I used to enjoy a lot at office than at home given that the working was immensely tough. We did not go for any other job even having offers.

I don’t know who the hell has said that time does not remain same. We know somewhere that we would have to leave one day. But experiencing it is more than jus thinking about it.

Today is August 20, 2009, their last working day here. I did not want this day to come so soon but it has to. I spent whole day controlling myself not to cry in front of anyone. I want to bid them farewell with a big smile. They are already upsetting by leaving me alone here. I don’t want to spoil their joy of leaving this place for their lifetime opportunity. I was little bit succeeded as I said them goodbye saying that ‘we are meeting tomorrow naa for the farewell party’. Yes I avoided eye contact. The whole way to home, I kept crying after putting sun glasses on despite the raining outside. I know some bikers were mocking me but they might have mocked more if glasses were not there.

I can’t explain how much terrible I am feeling right now. I have been trying for days to face all this cheerfully with my-said-to-be-million-dollar-smile. I wonder if I would also make it through tomorrow, not to shed a tear in front of them. I still wonder…………Am I that brave? I fear I am not.

Only 20....

I don’t know what has happened to me. I have lost all interest in every thing around. Deadlines are haunting me but I find myself unable to meet them. It’s like I sit on couch and watch the things happen around me. A real spectator………..

Strange restlessness is running in my blood. The feeling of losing some one is quite strong. And the fear of loneliness is stronger than every thing. Only twenty days are left. Only twenty……….

Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.

Kahlil Gibran’s famous quotation strikes me a lot these days. I am experiencing it and amazed to know the depth of it.

Yesterday both of them went to passport office. They insisted me too to apply for passport at least but I couldn’t accompany them as I did not have my complete documents. It took them the whole day to complete the procedure. So I had to take lunch alone. It’s been almost four years of being together. There were hardly one or two times that both of them got absent and I had to take the lunch alone. But yesterday was really terrible with a thought that I would have to do every thing all alone now. They would inshaAllah return but I think we would not be able now to work together.

So there was complete dark out in the department. Most of the people are used to go outside during lunch break. I found myself alone on my table with lunch in front of me and tears in my eyes. It was dark so I wept a lot. I did not feel such loneliness before. I tell you loneliness works more killing than a mere poison. I felt it yesterday.

I forced myself to eat something thinking that I am a strong girl and I have to face it anyway. I took two or three bites hardly, not enough but at least I tried successfully.

It is really difficult to hide my tears from them but I am doing it successfully. But when I reach home, nothing can control them. Each day, I cry like a hell, like I would have just returned from airport. Don’t know from where these tears come. But such excessive crying worked yesterday night. My BP got very low. All at home became anxious. Mom started weeping with me. So I got a fellow in crying yesterday lol. She does not allow me to sleep in such situation. I think she thinks that I would never be able to wake up if I sleep. After handful tips when my bp became normal, I was allowed to sleep. It was a restless sleep I must say. I woke up many times, saw horrible dreams.

I don’t know when I will come out of this situation. I am trying hard very hard. Do pray for me.