So have the ending come And bring the winds that scream And spill the fog all over town And break through every door And strip away the tree And raise the rivers high Just help me drown And hold me in your standstill ground I will sink down And you'll be washed away
I really thought I was okay I really thought I was just fine But when I woke this time There was nothing to take me back to sleep To take you off my mind
And I keep saying over and over and over and over again Let it rain, I need to hide within a storm
Kahlil Gibran’s famous quotation strikes me a lot these days. I am experiencing it and amazed to know the depth of it.
Yesterday both of them went to passport office. They insisted me too to apply for passport at least but I couldn’t accompany them as I did not have my complete documents. It took them the whole day to complete the procedure. So I had to take lunch alone. It’s been almost four years of being together. There were hardly one or two times that both of them got absent and I had to take the lunch alone. But yesterday was really terrible with a thought that I would have to do every thing all alone now. They would inshaAllah return but I think we would not be able now to work together.
So there was complete dark out in the department. Most of the people are used to go outside during lunch break. I found myself alone on my table with lunch in front of me and tears in my eyes. It was dark so I wept a lot. I did not feel such loneliness before. I tell you loneliness works more killing than a mere poison. I felt it yesterday.
I forced myself to eat something thinking that I am a strong girl and I have to face it anyway. I took two or three bites hardly, not enough but at least I tried successfully.
It is really difficult to hide my tears from them but I am doing it successfully. But when I reach home, nothing can control them. Each day, I cry like a hell, like I would have just returned from airport. Don’t know from where these tears come. But such excessive crying worked yesterday night. My BP got very low. All at home became anxious. Mom started weeping with me. So I got a fellow in crying yesterday lol. She does not allow me to sleep in such situation. I think she thinks that I would never be able to wake up if I sleep. After handful tips when my bp became normal, I was allowed to sleep. It was a restless sleep I must say. I woke up many times, saw horrible dreams.
I don’t know when I will come out of this situation. I am trying hard very hard. Do pray for me.
Why? ehhh..........there are many reasons and i am going to share the most hurting.....
My two friends are leaving for Sweden in two months. They got admission there. yea it's a biggest news of our lives. I wish them best of luck.
Why didn't I apply? Because my father does not want me to go abroad. (would write on it later).
The saddening part is what i am gonna supposed to do withut them? Our families, friends and people around us know very well how much we are close to each other.
We became friends during masters. Since then, we never ever did any thing without anyone of us. Fortunately, all of us got job in the same Org i am currently working in. And the management hired three of us by saying that they did not want us to apart. I spent more of my time with them than my family. There exists a strange chemistry among us. We understand unsaid feelings of each others'. errrrr......i couldn't find words in which i can explain the relationship among us. Simple is that i have no close friend like them. My life is colorless without them, I have realized it now. It's been long that i have made any friend.
I have never ever felt like this before. I have never lost any love one before. I know i am not losing them but distance DOES matter for me. They would not be there to share my stupid feelings, to render me their shoulder and to accompany me in my crying. They would never be there to laugh with me on silly things.........
It is very difficult for me to control myself. I am an open book for them. They are also very upset. They do not want to go without me. We had decided that in first phase they would go abroad and then I will accompany them but it seems impossible now :( and it's hurting me as well as them.
I know i am acting like real crap. I am irrational and getting emotional but i cant help it. It's all happening to me without any intention and control. I know no one accompanies anyone forever, even blood relations leave you at a certain point but my tears do not listen anything. I dont know how much i have cried. But my tears didn't stop yet and i dont know when they will stop.
For the time being, i would have to show them that i will come over my feelings and that i am very happy they are leaving for a great reason. But the thought of lonliness is killing me inside. I am not sure whether i would come out of this or not but I know Allah does not give any pain beyond our patience. So em waiting the moments to be passed!!
But I'll be close behind I'll follow you into the dark
No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white Just our hands clasped so tight Waiting for the hint of a spark If heaven and hell decide That they both are satisfied Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you When your soul embarks Then I'll follow you into the dark."
"I do believe it's true That there are roads left in both of our shoes If the silence takes you Then I hope it takes me too"
A weird incident happened yesterday. I went to nearby park for a stroll with my girlfriends. Traffic was on its boom. We were about to enter the park when I saw a cell phone jumping out of a bike rider’s pocket. He didn’t notice and rushed away. I told my friends about it and we decided to pick up the cell. Traffic was heavy but I managed to reach the cell phone.
While picking the cell, I was thinking the different ways to contact the owner and that he would be very happy to have his mobile back. This thought made me very enthusiastic. But I was not the only one who saw the cell phone resting on the road. When I reached the cell phone, a rickshaw driver tried his best to hit me. I picked up the cell phone and about to return the footpath, when I saw an aged man stopping his motorcycle just few steps ahead of me. He was wearing the faded uniform of traffic constable, the old uniform, white shirt and blue pants. He was almost 60 years old. I saw him turning his bike to me. When he came closer to me, some words uttered from my mouth, “ye…. mobile………apka…..?” I noticed some very strange expressions on his face. I couldn’t complete my question, he nodded and snatched the mobile from my hand with a jerk and ran away. My mouth was about to touch the ground. I was in the state of shock. I knew the cell phone was not his but I could not do any thing. That khabees rickshaw driver came again and said “why did you give that mobile to him? It was not his.” Don’t know why but I felt guilty at that moment like I had stolen some one’s mobile. I couldn’t say any thing but “wo….mai….pata nahi……kis ka tha?”. I was sure for one thing that if I would have not picked up the mobile, he surely had grabbed it. choor uchakka…..And constable’s facial expressions and his move were enough to tell me that he wont return the cell.
The feeling that I was going to do some thing good had flown away. I felt very down at that moment, a blend of regret and helplessness. How could that old constable snatch someone else’s mobile from my hand? Why that auto driver was fighting with me like I had handed over his mobile to the constable? How much the mobile owner would have felt sorry and sad at his loss? He might have some important contacts in it, some lovely pics of his family, some memorable videos, and most of all mobile was looking quite expensive and new.
I really feel bad for that old constable. He not only snatched my going-to-be good deed but added a bad one to his account.
Last week we have arranged a training program on 5 S activities. It is a Japanese concept so a Japanese team came for training. Let me explain what are 5 S activities.
Well the 5 S are actually ……….emmm…….i mean……go and search it by yourself. I am not in mood to explain it right now.
So the Japanese came and take over the floor. Checked all the arrangements and criticized our outdated technology. Anyhow the program was good. Everyone enjoyed it. I did enjoy the first session but felt awkward in the session after the lunch.
Lunch was served. I took some rice and chicken pepper and took a corner of the dining hall. One of the Japanese was roaming around with some restlessness on his face. He did not look like most of he Japanese did as he was tall with khari khari nose and wide eyes. Two times, he came to that table I was standing near by. As a host I was supposed to ask him what’s wrong with him but I ignored. Then the third he came over there, I had to ask him what’s his problem.
Me: Can I help you?
He: No no it’s alright. Which company are you from?
Me: I am in the organizing team. (Damn it cant you see me running here and there since morning)
He: oh yes sorry I forgot (actor kahein ka)
Me: I think you need a table, as plate is quite heavy. (I saw him changing the hands for plate frequently)
He: no no I am ok with it. (Phir kiya takleef thi bay chane rooh)
Me: are you enjoying the meal? (I tried to solve the puzzle of his restlessness)
He: yes I am. It’s pretty delicious. I think it’s chicken biriyani.
Me: Not it’s vegetable rice
He: vegetable biriyani?
Me: yes (I ended it up with out any other argument)
He: you know I tried the chicken biriyani at home. (How could I know man?)
Me: really? Then? (don’t question my acting)
He: it was completely unsuccessful attempt.
Me: I am sure you’ll be through next time.
He: might be.
I turned my back to him and tried to concentrate on chicken pepper. So delicious….hmmm
He: Have you tried Japanese cuisine? (halak ka darbaan)
Me: no
He: do try it. they are not so spicy but delicious.
Me: I will. What’s your traditional dish?
He: Sushi (He explained all the ingredients used in it and how to cook it. While my all concentration was on my plate with ‘oh really, ‘that’s nice’.
Me: sounds tasty (I noticed that his plate got empty long ago)
My other colleague (female) joined us in discussion and they left me and my plate alone. I finished the meal and went for sweet dish. The guy caterer standing there did not let me touch the spoon and himself gave me an ice cream bowl and two big chunks of Kulfah. I didn’t mind. It was so delicious. I went to another empty corner but both of them (the Japanese and my colleague) caught me there. I realized that it was not the restlessness. His facial expressions were like that. I saw other Japanese, all seemed to me restless. I think it’s the restlessness that force them to do some thing. It was strange observing them. My colleague’s louder laughter came me back there.
Me: why didn’t take you guys the kulfah?
She: Let’s go. (she asked him)
He: you go please
She: you come with me (she grinned)
He: no no please you go.
She: Why don’t you come with me? (Now I was enjoying their lovely discussion).
He: I am going to the training hall. You go and enjoy the sweet dish.
She looked at me like asking me for assistance and that was the point which left me with embarrassment.
Me: (to him) why don’t you try kulfah. It’s so delicious.
He: No please you guys carry on.
Me: there is still a WHY?
He: (he looked at my bowl and said) Actually I am on diet.
My colleague followed his glance to my bowl and started hehehehe
Itni bezti……oh God. I wished to kill that kulfah guy. He gave me the two pieces; I swear I did not ask for two. Ok I was happy and thinking of taking the third one but I did not ask specifically.
Both of them went off leaving me with my kulfah alone.
Why he was dieting? He was so thin. And I, jutti Punjab di, never ever cared about my weight and I know I can never go for dieting. Was he pointing out that I should not take this kulfa? I think Not. But if Yes, then how could he dare? He ruined my mood.
Lessons to learnt:
Try not to talk to anyone while you are eating.
Do not insist anyone for taking any dish even if you are the host.
Eat as many chunks of kulfah or ice cream as you want but one by one.
Am I really a Ruthless? It is a big question for me.
A year before, few people around me pointed out that I am kind of careless person. I didn't take it seriously. In fact I enjoyed the title. Then my colleague told me that I act like a robot, no emotions, no feelings, no warmth. Errr that was a bit unsual for me. I started observing myself. She had pointed out many other things which happened to be true in different aspects.
Then another person told me that I am a complete RUTHLESS, a person who does not know how to respect others' affection and care. It clung to me then. In fact it made me shuddered. Then few friend pointed out that sometimes I act selfishly. And that I have some kind of attitude problem.
Do I really have these problems? I did never notice.
I dont know when and how I have become like this. But i never meant to be. I cried alot, literally cried. I felt like someone had pushed me from the sky. I did not sleep for days. I dont know why and how it glued to my mind that I am the most disgusting creature on earth. useless, selfish and discarded. It was a strange feeling, feeling of being unwanted among family, freinds and peers. Ok fine I know a grown person like me is not supposed to feel like a crap but it did happen. O Allah save me from this depression plzzz :(
