Being Paranoid

You travel a long distance in hope of reaching a destination. When you get in there, you realize it's not actually the destination you ve traveled for, but a mere stopover. You start again. You stop by many such points, same like a thirsty traveler in the desert who considers the shiny sand as water and rushes towards it. Each time you start, start with a new beginning and enthusiasm that this time it would be your destination. Tiredness has not been a word in your dictionary. You start and stop, stop and start again. This struggle carries on for many years. And then you finally realize that you are actually lost in search of a destination. The thought of being lost makes you tire. This is the time when you want to accept that you could be tired too. And when you accept it, it makes you more tired, deadly tired. Standing at this point of your life, you look back and see the long distance you have traveled, ask yourself questions that don't have answers and just want to sit at this very point.  

I am lost and tired. I do not want to stand and start it again. I am not ashamed to admit that I ve failed over and over again. I know it's not the end of the world, but you know I already had a small world. I know failures are the part of life, but some failures leave a dark shadow over the remaining part of your life. I know this would be over soon, but 'kaun jeeta hai teri zulf k sar honay tak'. I failed at all fronts of my life. All means all. I am gonna lost another year of my life. I neither become a good human being nor a good Muslim. I have forgot that I am accountable for each and every action of mine. I have forgot that I will also die one day and that day can come anytime. I know life is short and we should live this life for the sake of earning good in the eternal life. I have failed earning good in this life and I can see my bad end clearly. I think I am mentally tired too. I literally think alot and do little, rather nothing. Swear to God, I tried ALOT not to fall prey to it, but this depression have taken me over. I need some rest. Call it a depression break. I dont know how long it's gonna be. I will have to wait quietly and patiently and see what this new year has for me!

Happy New Year to all!