What's going on in Lahore?

Security is on red alert in Lahore, don't know why. Whenever I see Elite Force standing alert with Kalashnikov in their hands, my heart misses a beat. It seems some thing is going to happen in LHR. They should at least take the general public into confidence if they have received any security concerned information. We have to pass through four check-posts while coming to office. Thank God! they do not stop females for complete search. They do not stop everyone but the suspected ones. But when they stop someone, everyone has to wait for the 'clear signal' as a long queue starts behind that person due to the barriers around the road.

Today, police again stopped a car in front of us. We were getting late but we have to wait as road was blocked. A policeman asked him for his IDs and other papers. He showed every thing but they were not satisfied. They asked him to come out of the car. He came out hesitantly. He was a nicely dressed young man looking very anxious and nervous. The policeman started his complete search even searched out his pockets and shoes too. The man was feeling very embarrassed as everyone was looking at him. People were passing comments on him and on policemen as well. I think police is used to such comments but that young man seemed difficult to face the people. He kept his eyes on his feet all the time. What a degradation of people in their own land? Poor soul....I really felt for him deep down from my heart.

Well the whole way to my office, I kept on thinking what type of measures police should adopt to check people by not humiliating them. There should be scanners fitted on specific roads where they think have security risks. These scanners should not only be used for checking weapons or other explosives but also identifying the drivers and matching the results with the updated database (I suppose NADRA is having it). They should only stop ambiguous ones. but again many of the people do not have even their ID cards. And the terrorists are experts to use authentic data for their evil plans. But honestly 'can we stop the suicide bomber?' 'can we stop the person who comes out with the aim to kill and to be killed?' 'Can any scanner scan the mind and heart of anyone?'

Then how can we stop it? Well we know very well how we can stop it. Govt knows how it can put a full stop to all of it. Give the due rights to the people of deprived regions and have peace and prosperity in the whole country. It's a give and take game. Run the country according to our priorities and objectives not the ones set by the others. But i dont understand what the policy of the government is. There are big questions on its performance. And i dont know what i want to say.........ahhhhh...........so put a full stop to all yap .

May there be peace everywhere. Ameen

Haning in the air

I don’t exactly know what’s going on in my life. Things are going out of control. I think something and happen something else. I really feel like I am neither on earth nor on sky. I am hanging in between somewhere.

Actually, I applied for a US based scholarship program at the beginning of this year. I was sure that they would not call me any way.

It was also in my mind that my father will not allow me to go me abroad alone or even does not allow me to just apply for any foreign scholarship. When he conveyed his decision though mama (who asked his consent on my request) that he will never let me go abroad, I spent a whole month in tears. I did not tell papa that I had already applied for a scholarship and for the one I was asking his permission was actually the second one in my queue. I applied there to just check in how much water I am standing (I know it’s poorly translated).

I had a plan to take the IELTS and apply for any UK based scholarship. That’s why I did damn to TOEFL and started IELTS preparation. I can’t tell you how much it’s difficult to remain wake up after coming back from office. I had to struggle really hard. Yes I am used to sleep till 10:00 pm given I don’t have any good book in hand. hehehe

Then a thing happened on a hottest day of June 2009. I received a call from USAID, Islamabad and they told me that they were not sleeping. They asked me to send my original documents with number of other paperwork immediately. Well frankly speaking I was shivering with happiness, fear and other concerns. I had never ever imagined that they would ever contact me. They told me that I was in a waiting list and my number came up as one of their candidate declined to go abroad.

There was a big question for ‘what should I do now?’ Although it’s been two months of my indirect clash with my father and we came on friendly terms now but I was not at all in mood of having any tension again. At first, I decided to refuse the offer. They had actually asked me to submit TOEFL score as I did not have it, so they offered me conditionally that they would start the processing of my documents now but would completely it after receiving TOEFL result. They also asked me to inform them after registering with ETS.

I did not respond their offer for some days. At that time I was in extreme pressure of what-to-do. I was preoccupied with my IETLS test, USAID’s docs request and most of all my father’s consent. All of my friends advised me to discuss it with my father openly but honestly speaking I don’t have such courage. Yes I am coward in case of my father.

Here came my rebellious thoughts. After a whole night thinking on this issue according to my friends’ and well wishers’ advices, I decided to jump into the battlefield but with sound tactics. I had few days, so I planned for each day.

Day 1: Inform my brother about the conditional offer I had received from USAID. He harassed me referring what was happened in ‘New York’.

Day 2: Inform father that I read about USAID scholarships in newspaper especially for females and I am thinking to apply for it. Father remains silent.

Day 3: Disclose that I have applied for the scholarship online and they will process it quickly. And that I had applied for this scholarship last year too and they are saying that they would prefer those girls who were rejected last year. (I know it’s the most bogus story)

Day 4: Discuss with my parents that I have 50 percent chance of getting this scholarship. Telling the package as it is fully paid scholarship. Papa asks some chotay motay questions. I try to satisfied him and tell him clearly that they should be mentally prepared for any further news. Both remain silent.

Day 5: Discuss with father that my passport is still due and it would be difficult for me to sit in the IELTS (they did not demand my passport but I need it badly for USAID scholarship). He promises to do some thing. I was not sure he would do any thing.

Day 6: Papa asks for my token number of passport, calls a person and tells me that I can collect my passport after three days. And that my brother would go to collect it who was threatening me that he would give my passport to papa and would see the ‘show’ then because I did not tell papa before that I had applied for the passport. My brother has to go and hands over passport to me. Hehehehe uski tu tooo@#$%&onn

Day 7: Send my documents to Washington.

Day 8: Tell papa on my way to the IELTS’ interview that USAID has contacted me and asked me to send my original docs to Washington. Papa’s response was ‘oye’ He does not say any thing for some time. I start myself that I am not expecting to get it as many girls from LUMS and other institutes are competing with me. He tries to console me by saying that USAID needs all types of girls, good and average (of course I lie in the later category). And that they have set quota for all types of girls. And I am fully consoled.

Till then, I was fully satisfied and happy that every thing was going so smoothly and papa has finally prepared himself to send me abroad. But it’s not the end.

Day 9: Talk to papa regarding the importance of foreign degrees. His cell rings and he goes outside the room to answer it. He never ever did it before. He answers all his calls in my presence. Now I get curious to know whose call it is. I try to listen what he is talking.

Papa: yes yes he told me about you. How are you? Glad to receive your call. (Pause) No actually I was waiting for your call………(says some thing I cannot understand, my damn ears). That’s really nice (continues) what is his age? (Pause) What is his job? (Pause) And he is working there as ….(Pause) OK. How many siblings? (Pause) Where do you live? (Pause) let me write the address…..ok ok fine (Pause) no she is also working in ………. (Pause) Not now I will invite you after discussing with my wife. Thanks for calling.

At that time, I felt like screaming loudly. I rushed to my room. I wept a bit, not much. I am not at all prepared for this tanta now. This chapter is temporarily closed. Why do parents have only one agenda towards daughters’ career? So that was the reason he was fulfilling all my requests. If he has planned to make it quick, so did I. Now I need to be very fast in implementing my plan. I hope this time it would not be a flop one inshaAllah.

I sent all the remaining docs and copy of my passport to Washington other day which I stopped before for some reasons and I also brought it into my father’s knowledge.

I am also trying to register for TOEFL as my award of my scholarship depends on my TOEFL score.

I am not at all sure whether papa would allow me to go abroad or not but I want to try my luck. I know it will be extremely difficult for him but I still want to try.

So the coming August would decide what’s going to happen in my life and where would I go and for what. I am impatiently waiting for it.

Guys do pray for me please. I feel like I am playing such game in which I will be the loser in both cases. Let’s hope for the best.

Mera khuwaab

Preoccupied

Oh God there are so many things to do till the weekend. I cannot concentrate on anything. The office projects, the tests, the paper work, the work at home (yes i have to perform some duties at home too), etc etc. There is a looooong list of things to do. I need to organize each and ever thing. And I am really very thankful to all of those who are literally helping me and encouraging me to accomplish every thing. And thanks to my advisors also :P . Oh my birthday is also due in the end of this week. I would have to postpone the party till the next week and have to wait for the gifts. ahhhh it's tough though.

Who I am inside?

Look at me
You may think you see
Who I really am
But you'll never know me
Every day
It's as if I play a part
Now I see
If I wear a mask
I can fool the world
But I cannot fool my heart

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

I am now
In a world where I
Have to hide my heart
And what I believe in
But somehow
I will show the world
What's inside my heart
And be loved for who I am

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection
Someone I don't know?
Must I pretend that I'm
Someone else for all time?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

There's a heart that must be
Free to fly
That burns with a need to know
The reason why

Why must we all conceal
What we think, how we feel?
Must there be a secret me
I'm forced to hide?
I won't pretend that I'm
Someone else for all time
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

This is my all time fav fav track. Hey Aguilera! you are the best.