Haning in the air

I don’t exactly know what’s going on in my life. Things are going out of control. I think something and happen something else. I really feel like I am neither on earth nor on sky. I am hanging in between somewhere.

Actually, I applied for a US based scholarship program at the beginning of this year. I was sure that they would not call me any way.

It was also in my mind that my father will not allow me to go me abroad alone or even does not allow me to just apply for any foreign scholarship. When he conveyed his decision though mama (who asked his consent on my request) that he will never let me go abroad, I spent a whole month in tears. I did not tell papa that I had already applied for a scholarship and for the one I was asking his permission was actually the second one in my queue. I applied there to just check in how much water I am standing (I know it’s poorly translated).

I had a plan to take the IELTS and apply for any UK based scholarship. That’s why I did damn to TOEFL and started IELTS preparation. I can’t tell you how much it’s difficult to remain wake up after coming back from office. I had to struggle really hard. Yes I am used to sleep till 10:00 pm given I don’t have any good book in hand. hehehe

Then a thing happened on a hottest day of June 2009. I received a call from USAID, Islamabad and they told me that they were not sleeping. They asked me to send my original documents with number of other paperwork immediately. Well frankly speaking I was shivering with happiness, fear and other concerns. I had never ever imagined that they would ever contact me. They told me that I was in a waiting list and my number came up as one of their candidate declined to go abroad.

There was a big question for ‘what should I do now?’ Although it’s been two months of my indirect clash with my father and we came on friendly terms now but I was not at all in mood of having any tension again. At first, I decided to refuse the offer. They had actually asked me to submit TOEFL score as I did not have it, so they offered me conditionally that they would start the processing of my documents now but would completely it after receiving TOEFL result. They also asked me to inform them after registering with ETS.

I did not respond their offer for some days. At that time I was in extreme pressure of what-to-do. I was preoccupied with my IETLS test, USAID’s docs request and most of all my father’s consent. All of my friends advised me to discuss it with my father openly but honestly speaking I don’t have such courage. Yes I am coward in case of my father.

Here came my rebellious thoughts. After a whole night thinking on this issue according to my friends’ and well wishers’ advices, I decided to jump into the battlefield but with sound tactics. I had few days, so I planned for each day.

Day 1: Inform my brother about the conditional offer I had received from USAID. He harassed me referring what was happened in ‘New York’.

Day 2: Inform father that I read about USAID scholarships in newspaper especially for females and I am thinking to apply for it. Father remains silent.

Day 3: Disclose that I have applied for the scholarship online and they will process it quickly. And that I had applied for this scholarship last year too and they are saying that they would prefer those girls who were rejected last year. (I know it’s the most bogus story)

Day 4: Discuss with my parents that I have 50 percent chance of getting this scholarship. Telling the package as it is fully paid scholarship. Papa asks some chotay motay questions. I try to satisfied him and tell him clearly that they should be mentally prepared for any further news. Both remain silent.

Day 5: Discuss with father that my passport is still due and it would be difficult for me to sit in the IELTS (they did not demand my passport but I need it badly for USAID scholarship). He promises to do some thing. I was not sure he would do any thing.

Day 6: Papa asks for my token number of passport, calls a person and tells me that I can collect my passport after three days. And that my brother would go to collect it who was threatening me that he would give my passport to papa and would see the ‘show’ then because I did not tell papa before that I had applied for the passport. My brother has to go and hands over passport to me. Hehehehe uski tu tooo@#$%&onn

Day 7: Send my documents to Washington.

Day 8: Tell papa on my way to the IELTS’ interview that USAID has contacted me and asked me to send my original docs to Washington. Papa’s response was ‘oye’ He does not say any thing for some time. I start myself that I am not expecting to get it as many girls from LUMS and other institutes are competing with me. He tries to console me by saying that USAID needs all types of girls, good and average (of course I lie in the later category). And that they have set quota for all types of girls. And I am fully consoled.

Till then, I was fully satisfied and happy that every thing was going so smoothly and papa has finally prepared himself to send me abroad. But it’s not the end.

Day 9: Talk to papa regarding the importance of foreign degrees. His cell rings and he goes outside the room to answer it. He never ever did it before. He answers all his calls in my presence. Now I get curious to know whose call it is. I try to listen what he is talking.

Papa: yes yes he told me about you. How are you? Glad to receive your call. (Pause) No actually I was waiting for your call………(says some thing I cannot understand, my damn ears). That’s really nice (continues) what is his age? (Pause) What is his job? (Pause) And he is working there as ….(Pause) OK. How many siblings? (Pause) Where do you live? (Pause) let me write the address…..ok ok fine (Pause) no she is also working in ………. (Pause) Not now I will invite you after discussing with my wife. Thanks for calling.

At that time, I felt like screaming loudly. I rushed to my room. I wept a bit, not much. I am not at all prepared for this tanta now. This chapter is temporarily closed. Why do parents have only one agenda towards daughters’ career? So that was the reason he was fulfilling all my requests. If he has planned to make it quick, so did I. Now I need to be very fast in implementing my plan. I hope this time it would not be a flop one inshaAllah.

I sent all the remaining docs and copy of my passport to Washington other day which I stopped before for some reasons and I also brought it into my father’s knowledge.

I am also trying to register for TOEFL as my award of my scholarship depends on my TOEFL score.

I am not at all sure whether papa would allow me to go abroad or not but I want to try my luck. I know it will be extremely difficult for him but I still want to try.

So the coming August would decide what’s going to happen in my life and where would I go and for what. I am impatiently waiting for it.

Guys do pray for me please. I feel like I am playing such game in which I will be the loser in both cases. Let’s hope for the best.