Being Paranoid

You travel a long distance in hope of reaching a destination. When you get in there, you realize it's not actually the destination you ve traveled for, but a mere stopover. You start again. You stop by many such points, same like a thirsty traveler in the desert who considers the shiny sand as water and rushes towards it. Each time you start, start with a new beginning and enthusiasm that this time it would be your destination. Tiredness has not been a word in your dictionary. You start and stop, stop and start again. This struggle carries on for many years. And then you finally realize that you are actually lost in search of a destination. The thought of being lost makes you tire. This is the time when you want to accept that you could be tired too. And when you accept it, it makes you more tired, deadly tired. Standing at this point of your life, you look back and see the long distance you have traveled, ask yourself questions that don't have answers and just want to sit at this very point.  

I am lost and tired. I do not want to stand and start it again. I am not ashamed to admit that I ve failed over and over again. I know it's not the end of the world, but you know I already had a small world. I know failures are the part of life, but some failures leave a dark shadow over the remaining part of your life. I know this would be over soon, but 'kaun jeeta hai teri zulf k sar honay tak'. I failed at all fronts of my life. All means all. I am gonna lost another year of my life. I neither become a good human being nor a good Muslim. I have forgot that I am accountable for each and every action of mine. I have forgot that I will also die one day and that day can come anytime. I know life is short and we should live this life for the sake of earning good in the eternal life. I have failed earning good in this life and I can see my bad end clearly. I think I am mentally tired too. I literally think alot and do little, rather nothing. Swear to God, I tried ALOT not to fall prey to it, but this depression have taken me over. I need some rest. Call it a depression break. I dont know how long it's gonna be. I will have to wait quietly and patiently and see what this new year has for me!

Happy New Year to all!

Rejections Overloaded

There was nothing to do and nothing to think upon, so I started counting on the rejections I have received so far. I left it when I reached to 27th, thinking who would give me a medal for the total number I have tried on. It might make me sad and tired to realize how many places I have applied at so far. It's been now more than a year I am unemployed with a foreign degree in my hand and a stamp of a scholar on my forehead. It doesn't mean I regret leaving my previous job and going to USA for studies. It was the best time of my life and I am truly thankful to Allah SWT for granting me the opportunity. Though I worked for few months but it was just a part time work and most of the requiters give a damn to part time work and shockingly many refused to include it in the work experience. But what I can do or say. Everyone has one's own perspectives which have been built over years. It is useless to convince anyone in meeting or two. If you try, it would be considered an argument which is not acceptable. So it is better to remain silent and leave quietly. 

I was teaching as a visiting lecturer at a 'renowned' university. As far as teaching is concerned, it was an overwhelming experience. But when you talk about the departmental politics and so-called professionalism (which I called dualism), I have never been a good player where ever I worked as I stayed miles away from the dirty professional politics. And if it is the penalty for not being a thespian, I accept it with an open heart and do not regret it over.

I was not a Ustani (teacher)-type person. I never thought I would join academia. Honestly, I didn't have the stamina to deal with grownup kids and secondly I always believe I do not have guts to convince people about any thing, be it a lesson or a matter of life. I was forced to join academia and when joined, I thoroughly enjoyed it. I tried to give it my best. Secretly in my heart, I always wanted to be a debater. But my shyness and laziness never allowed me to do so. Then I got a chance to speak up in front of a class of at least hundred students and it was awesomely amazing. I did not know my students literally understood my lecturers or not, but they told they did. Lolz. I have to believe them. But I realized later that I were sorta popular teacher at the department due to my interesting presentation of lecturers and liveliness in the class (according to my students, though I do not believe it wholeheartedly, it might be their attempt to score a good grade :) ). The saddest part is, this all has gone and only become a part of my memory stick. Reminds me of a song: 

All has gone 
Can't you see 
Lights slipped on 
Out of me 
Never could see the spring time 
Only believe in winter

But believe me or not, winters also rock. Though rejections make you sad, lonely and disappointed and at sometimes being cursed and abandoned  but you will pass it calmly if you strongly believe that nothing lasts forever, be it the good time or the bad one (though bad times seems longer). We have to face it whether we cry over it or keep quiet. So better be patient and believe that this too shall pass! 

Rejections are not only the ones that you apply for some vacancy and get rejected. Rejections also consist of the negative responses and denials of the people around you, who use to claim to be your best friends, understanding your unsaids but prove to be the firsts leaving you in the time of distress, thinking you would never be able to overcome your failures. These are the real rejections when people refuse to include you in your lives for whatever false presumptions they have in their heads for you. You do not really know what they think, but these rejections get overloaded and more painful when add up together and make you more depressed. 

The most crucial question is why do people leave you alone? There might be many reasons.  Firstly, they might think you would ask for some help from them. You would ask them to adjust you at the place where they work. Secondly, you might ask for financial help. Thirdly, they might want to save their perfectly running family and professional lives from your evil eye *evil wink*. And lastly, they are tired of listening your problems and your lifelessness. So they keep their shoulder safe from bending as you have cried over it alot and tell you it's the time to go find some other shoulder or use your knees to cry over. But these are the times when true friends are found for lifetime. And you learn to differentiate between donkeys and horses :) To say it is easy, but to experience it in your real life is goddamn difficult. That's why I disagree with 'sharing is caring'. Keep yourself with you. Everyone is busy in one's own life. You are the only one who has lifelong time for yourself. Accept your weaknesses and failures and make yourself your best friend so that you do not need to wait for someone to come and share your heart. But keep your doors open for sincere friends not for spectators!

My fav pic of the day! Remember you are a stomie, bas let these rejections pass once ;P!

To keep myself composed in depression, I try to do different things. More I get depressed, more I write and sleep. When I am not sleeping, I am writing. When I am sleeping, I am dreaming about writing something. So you will be seeing many posts in coming days and I ve postponed the idea of deleting my blog for the time being. What else am I doing these days? Hmmm yes stitching clothes. I love sewing. I am not expert in that but never mind I keep trying to become expert on day. I collected or abondoned clothes and stitched many cushion covers, dusters and table covers. I also tried few new dishes, would be writing on that too. That's all what I have to say for today. Bye till the next post :) 

Untitled

Suddenly I am getting extremely bored of my blog. It sucks, literally sucks. I just want to delete it right away. Wait a minute, is this blog really boring? are my writings tedious? or actually my life is numbing? I think the last one suffices my situation (though dont deny the first two options too). I want to erase everything I have done, spoken and listened in my whole life. I want to be a new born baby. A cuddling baby, who has no worries and pains. A baby who just starts walking and needs someone to be always with. If all this is not possible, then please someone could teach me the magic to disappear from the public! I want to be in people, but unnoticed and unseen. Is there any art to live in this world without being seen? You could see yourself, I already have so many questions to others and to myself, how could I answer your millions of questions? No one is giving me answers, then why should I answer you? And people insist on answers. To question is your right, but to answer is my right. I respect their right by listening their questions, why don't people respect my right by not asking for definite answers? If a life can be in black and white, why can't a mere answer be in b&w?

Next time when (if) you stop by, you might not see this blog. I am a moody person and who knows what mood I would be in next time!

Kaun banay ga mera Pati ? :D

My rishta drama has been started again. Wesay I wonder it ever stopped. Yes it’s really a drama, at least it seems to me. See how this drama goes on:

My father and I were returning from the dentist and I was regretting on the news that my four teeth needed treatment.

Papa: So what you have decided?

Me: I would have to have treatment or I would lose them otherwise.

Papa: No actually…..hmm….I was asking about that guy.

Me: Ooo….em still thinking not decided yet.

Papa: yes yes beta take your time. Be sure that he is the best guy I have ever met. It doesn’t matter if he did only graduation. He is running his business successfully. You should see things in all aspects.

Damn I think the number of graduates has been increased due to recession. These economic crises would take my life away.Why dont they continue their studies if they dont get the jobs?

Me: yeah I am trying to see all the aspects.

Papa: beta your mother is an emotional woman. She thinks through her heart not through her brain. But you are sensible girl (Am I? But you always forget this in other matters). Try to understand what I want you to.

Me: gee gee

Papa: He has no objection on your job. You can continue it even after the marriage. In this way you would be saved from the household work. (hehe incentive) and they live just 5 minutes’ drive from us and he is such ………blah blah….(it’s always difficult to listen others’ praises)

Me: Just gimme some time. I’ll tell you soon.

Papa: sure but try to think without your mother’s influence………..(other lines were all about mom’s emotionality).

I didn’t know how mom came to know that father had discussed some thing with me. She remained around me and finally got the chance to talk:

Mama: My girl is the most well-mannered girl in the family and I know how you manage everything successfully. I always wanted to have a same boy for you (she knows I like appreciation but she does it rarely)

Me: haha acha

Mama: But I don’t know what’s in your father‘s mind. He wants you to be around. I always disagree with him in this. In these days, sons leave parents alone, betiyan to phir parai hoti hein qareeb hoon ya dur (and tip tip started, her tears are used to come out easily on this subject).

Me: oho don’t start crying plz. I can understand what’s your point of view.

Mama: beta if you have understood, then refuse your papa’s suggested guy. I don’t like him (the guy not papa). He’s such a dumb guy. And he is the eldest boy of the family, responsible of everything and you know the eldest bahu is expected to be same. Why putting your head in this khach khach?

Me: I will think about it.

Mama: Don’t think about him. I think the boy which I have finalized is suitable for you. Start thinking about him. He is the only son of his family. Parents are quite old. What more do you need?

Me: haw haiye mama don’t say like this. His parents are really sweet.

Mama: that’s it. I was telling your father that you like them most.

Me: ohoo I didn’t say like this.

Mama: OK don’t like them but you would have to say ‘No’ to your father’s suggested guy. Understand?

Me: mai? lekin…..wo tu……aisay kesay….papa would be annoyed.

Mama: He will as usual but he’ll be fine after some time. And you know your sister and brother did not like that guy too and they liked the boy which I have suggested.

Me: I am not saying anything to anyone. You both decide one and inform me.

I am just sick of all this. My mother and father never agreed on one guy. Both have different preferences and both force me to choose their suggested guy. And each time this result in a severe fight with the allegation that their children do not listen them. Each time my shoulder is used for shooting (ye shooting firing wala hai film wala nai).

But this time, I want it to end in the way I want to be. yes. I have planned a little conspiracy haha *evil laugh*. Would disclose it soon….

I have issues :|

I am suck of my telephone extension at office. The stupid calls drive me nuts. And check the information which is asked usually:

Me: hello

Tel: Hi this is …... How are you? (speaks so cheerfully as I was waiting him for ages)

Me: Fine. Yes?

Tel: What is the extension of Mr/Ms XYZ.

Me: I don’t know. Ask the exchange.

Tring tring….

Me: Yes?

Tel: Hi……how are you doing?

Me: good. Yes?

Tel: I need to talk to Mr. XYZ.

Me: This is MY number not his.

Tel: Then connect my line to his

Me: I don’t know how to connect (I know it but I wont do it for you b@$%&). Ask the telephone operators.

Tring tring:

Me: hello

Tel: oh I think I have dialed a wrong number.

Me: yes you did.

Tel: how are you?

Me: *(you know you are the cheapest person on earth?)*

Tring tring:

Me: hello

Tel: isn’t it Mr. XYZ?

Me: Do I sound like him?

Tring tring:

Tel: What is the extension number of XYZ?

Me: I don’t know

Tel: how is it possible? He sits next to you?

Me: (I wish I can kick you from the top floor) why don’t you ask the exchange? They are here for this purpose.

Tel: but you should know the telephone extensions of at least your department.

Me: Yes I should learn by heart the 35 extensions of everyone. That’s my fault. I ll be careful next time.

Tring tring

Tel: Kindly tell me Mr…… is on the floor. Or Mr……..is on his seat? (hadd ho gai)

This is the one of ways people use to tease female colleagues. And they think that we are such dumb and dont understand what’s the meaning of all this. One day I got more then ten such calls. On eleventh call, you can understand how much I might have been irritated:

Me: Hello (the most irritant sound I could utter)

Tel: Oh….who are you?

Me: Whom do you want to talk to?

Tel: I need to talk to XYZ but who are you?

Me: Sorry. this is not his number.

Tel: then?

Me: ohoo press the Zero and ask them about his number. I am not supposed to learn all extension numbers here.

Tel: What is your name?

Me: (I see you are one of the eve teasers) Listen Mr. I am extremely busy and I have told you that I don’t know your required extension number. So please contact the tel operator and save yours and mine time. Thank you. (takkkkhh fone band)

At that time, I just wished to bang the telephone.

The telephone rang again after few minutes:

He: So you are ………….. (he took my name this time)

Me: So? (flatly)

He: beta I am Vice President.

Me: geeeee….. (duh duh …electric shock)

He: What happened to you beta? I thought you are the most well-mannered girl in the whole org. I wasn’t expecting it from you.

Me: Sir……..actually…….wo tu………mai tu…….nai nai……asal mai……and so on

I got so confused at that time but I tried to explain him what the actual situation was. He listened me carefully and advised me to be cautious next time. Ahhh………I had no idea that the VP had such noble thoughts about me. But what could happen now? I have ruined it all with my own hands, I mean voice….damn me!!!

P.S. Mr. XYZ who is responsible for all this should be fired at once.