The Motherhood

Well this post was lying in my drafts for a long long time. After reading Postman’s comment on this post, I thought it’s the time to post it throwing away all my hesitation and shyness.

How do you feel when you become a mother? I don’t know because I am not a mother even of a rat. But one thing I feel immense in myself that is ‘Motherhood’. How did it come? I don’t know. From where has it come? I don’t now. When did I start feeling so? I don’t know. But one thing I know definitely that I am feeling motherhood since I got consciousness. I thought a lot about it, a lot. At first, I thought that I am suffering from some kind of psychic disorder. During discussions, I smelt motherhood in all of my friends, cousins and other girls around. But the question persisted why we girls do feel so motherly without becoming mothers. Isn’t it strange? Do these feelings have some link to marriages and so? I attributed it for a long time to delay of marriages.

Then my niece came into the picture. She is the first child of our extended family. My sister was only 19 and I was 17 years old at that time. My sister’s motherhood was understandable but why I was feeling it. I still remember that my hands were shivering and eyes were filled with tears when I first time held her in my arms. I kissed her forehead and she gave me a priceless smile. I was on summer vocations that time. I used to do all her work. She was a very restless soul, kept crying all the night with full volume. My sister was very weak so I had to wake up all the night with the little fairy. You would be amazed to know that she wanted some one to talk with her at mid night. I called her bat that remained alert all night. Hahaha I used to make her lay on myself, telling her little stories, singing lories and poems for her. Everyone used to laugh at me when I stared her for hours while she was sleeping. She and I enjoyed a lot. At that time, I felt that I was the special khala (aunt) who was feeling extraordinary emotional for a little niece. But it was not true. I observed that many of my friends and cousins were doing same for their nieces and nephews. Why? I thought that it might be because they were also feeling motherhood, which was a actually a disorder if they didn’t have their own kids (my stupid thoughts).

Time went on. My motherhood feelings remained alive. I used to hide them, as people might draw some other meanings from it. I might not be able to find all my answers if my niece was not there. She is the only person told me why I feel motherhood.

My niece was getting a big girl day by day. I used to observe each bit of her. What did she like? What not? With whom she wanted to play? What were her favorite toys? I bought her a little doll. She was used to chew her head all the time, which made doll’s face terrible. I remember one very interesting incident. Once my cousin visited us. Her baby boy was two months old and my niece was nine months old at that time. My niece got so much excited to see the little baby. Two three times, she tried to jump on him. When we kept her away, she started crying. Then my cousin put the little boy into my niece’s lap. She stopped crying at once. She held the baby into her arms and kissed his forehead gently. She was smiling like she got a most precious gift. Tears were sparkling in her eyes. She started patting him like a mother pats her kid to sleep. At that time I felt that it was not my niece but I, standing in the hospital’s room, trying to control my tears and kissing the little Cinderella hesitantly. What was the difference between my niece and I? An obvious difference, she was nine month old and I was 17 years. But why she was feeling motherhood at that age? I was shocked to see at that time. She was merely less than one year, a baby herself. My question was half answered.

On her first birthday, she got a blue-eyed doll as present. She named her ‘Noni’ I never understood why she named her Noni (a non Islamic name, of course) and from where she heard it. The doll had a feeder stuck permanently in her hand which my niece used to put into her ever-opened mouth time by time. She had curly hairs, which were combed in each hour. Her mouth was washed on regular basis. Many times, my niece filled doll’s ever-opened mouth with water and doll had to lie under the sun for the whole day. Noni was fully bathroom trained and was used to sleep in the dark room (and we had to switch off the TV). We caught her many times hiding her doll under her shirt posing that she was feeding her doll. It was amazing to observe how much my niece took care of the little doll. She acted like a real mama of the doll. Whenever we visited anyone’s home, Noni accompanied us, as she might get scared of being along at home (according to her mama).

As my niece got older, her motherhood got matured along. The way of taking care of her doll and loving other babies younger than her has changed but it still persisted and would continue.

I am completely answered, completely. No doubt is left. It is only Allah (SWT) who instills motherhood in girls whether they are nine month old or 17 years. Motherhood cannot be created or generated by time. It is inculcated in us by default. We have no control over it. These feelings are uncontrollable whether you are a mother or not. The motherhood comes out properly when a girl becomes a mother. But the feelings of motherhood remain inside whether you become a mother or not. Yes these feelings become intense after becoming a mother (I suppose). So it is not that we girls feel motherhood when we ourselves become mothers. We do feel it since our births. Before kids, motherhood is expressed through different channels. After kids, it gets a proper channel.

Well most of you would suggest that I should have kids now. But frankly speaking my nine years old niece needs babies more than I do.