Being Paranoid

You travel a long distance in hope of reaching a destination. When you get in there, you realize it's not actually the destination you ve traveled for, but a mere stopover. You start again. You stop by many such points, same like a thirsty traveler in the desert who considers the shiny sand as water and rushes towards it. Each time you start, start with a new beginning and enthusiasm that this time it would be your destination. Tiredness has not been a word in your dictionary. You start and stop, stop and start again. This struggle carries on for many years. And then you finally realize that you are actually lost in search of a destination. The thought of being lost makes you tire. This is the time when you want to accept that you could be tired too. And when you accept it, it makes you more tired, deadly tired. Standing at this point of your life, you look back and see the long distance you have traveled, ask yourself questions that don't have answers and just want to sit at this very point.  

I am lost and tired. I do not want to stand and start it again. I am not ashamed to admit that I ve failed over and over again. I know it's not the end of the world, but you know I already had a small world. I know failures are the part of life, but some failures leave a dark shadow over the remaining part of your life. I know this would be over soon, but 'kaun jeeta hai teri zulf k sar honay tak'. I failed at all fronts of my life. All means all. I am gonna lost another year of my life. I neither become a good human being nor a good Muslim. I have forgot that I am accountable for each and every action of mine. I have forgot that I will also die one day and that day can come anytime. I know life is short and we should live this life for the sake of earning good in the eternal life. I have failed earning good in this life and I can see my bad end clearly. I think I am mentally tired too. I literally think alot and do little, rather nothing. Swear to God, I tried ALOT not to fall prey to it, but this depression have taken me over. I need some rest. Call it a depression break. I dont know how long it's gonna be. I will have to wait quietly and patiently and see what this new year has for me!

Happy New Year to all!

Gotta friend?

Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life. ~*Bob Marley*~

Demise

So her father died on December 16. He left the world in unconsciousness. He was in deep pain. Cancer cells reached his brain through blood and made his condition more severe. What an unbelievable situation where you wish anything for your parent that can ease their pain, be it death. She could not come. She saw her father though Skype. That was unbearable but it had passed. Time has to pass. For her, regrets of not being here during his last days would remain alive but life will still go on. May Allah forgive him, make his next life peaceful and grant him a special place in Jannah and give strength to my friend and her family to bear this great loss. Ameen!

Feeling terrible

I do't know what type of days these are. When one things goes wrong, every thing follows it. When you are going through the bad times, all bad news are searching for you, whether these are about you or about the people you are associated with. My very close friend's father is in hospital and is unconscious from last three days. She is out of the county for her PhD. This is making me really very upset. I can understand what she would be feeling right now and that makes me feeling so terrible and sad. I dont know how to respond to her emails and what to say in return, how to console her. She cant come right now and that's not only killing her, but me as well. Uncle is a very lively person. I always saw him welcoming me and  laughing on our stupid jokes. He has been suffering from liver cancer which is at its last stage. Seeing a cheerful person on machines is unbearable. May Allah give him healthy life. It's of course not a big deal for Him. And may Allah give strength to my dear friend and create an opportunity that she can return for a short time and spend few moments with her family in this time of distress.

I hear parents saying that parents cannot see their children in a suffering. To this, I would say that it's killing for children as well to see their ever loving parents suffering in a terrible situation like this.  I remember how my mother's illness used to kill me every day. Millions of thanks to Allah Almighty that He has blessed her with health. But how I can forget those moments. That's why whenever I hear about anyone's parents in the same situation, it makes me all teary. Prayers!

Beauty Tip # 10987

As I have done with learning makeup, now I have started searching and collecting beauty tips which should focus on preserving and enhancing your natural beauty. I thought I should share these tips. This blog is actually my diary so posting these tips here will be handy for me to use in future.

Get Rid Of Black Heads In 5 Minutes:

• -Half lemon and 3-4 drops of honey. Rub the lemon on your face, emphasize the black head prone areas like nose, chin etc.
• -Leave the lemon and honey mixture on your face for 5 minutes, then wash it with cold water. 
• -You will see the results immediately. Additionally, lemon juice will also fade other marks/spots on the face and honey will moisturize.
• -Really can feel/see the difference.

Grow your eyelashes:

• -Wash an old mascara or nail polish container, 
• -Fill with 1/4 of the container with castor oil, 
• - 1/2 vitamin E oil, 1/4 aloe vera gel. 
• -Mix together as well as you can with your mascara wand, and apply a light layer to lashes every night before bed. 
• -Castor oil thickens your lashes while aloe vera gel lengthens. 
• -Vitamin E accelerates length. After one month, you will notice stronger, longer, more beautiful eyelashes.

Makeup tips for me

Remember I was so enthusiastic to learning makeup but I did not write anything about it. You know why? because of this!

So I met this girl who was daughter of my father's friend. She was very nice and friendly. Their family lives in Dearborn, Michigan and I spent my winter break with them. So this cheerful girl used to work part time at a saloon there. Since then, I have been asking her questions about my makeup off and on. Once she did my makeup and advised me following that actually made me lazy to learn doing makeup:

>Your facial features are very prominent. Never ever apply heavy makeup on your face. It would make you look older ( :-o ) 

>Whatever you apply on your whole face, always always go for lightest lipstick shade. And she recommended me Victoria's Secret 's lip gloss of No. 10. 

>Do not ever try to apply eye liner (no please I just bought the expensive L'Oreal eyeliner). You have little hooded eyes and would become more hooded as you grow older, eyeliner would make you look over loaded. Only a good makeup artist can apply eyeliner on your eyes. You should avoid it (Now I realized why I looked sleepy and overloaded in my old photos on weddings). 

>As you have hooded eyes, you should always apply highlighter under your eyebrows.

>Apply a darker shade from the middle to the outer end of your eyes. Avoid rang barangay (colorful) eye shadows. You look more sophisticated with one shade.

>Mascara is good for you. Apply it excessively. It would make your eye lashes more longer and eye-catching. 

>Apply a lighter blush under your cheek bones and on chin. That's all.

>Tie your hair loosely and leave few bangs on your face. Will give you a soft and slim look (and she cut my bangs for the first time in my life and yes I allowed her).

That's all for my makeup!

Whenever I recall these tips, I feel more lazy. I like the kind of makeup that makes you look what you are, not to make you an entirely new person. I laugh when people compliments ladies after makeup; "Wow you are looking beautiful. Pehchani nahi ja rahi bilkul". hehe....

Landi Kotal, Egypt and Turkey

Your first question would be "what's the link among three of these places?" and some would consider the title ridiculous too. But before you would become more judgmental, let me clarify that there is absolutely no link among these. Lemme put it more precisely, I simply long to visit these three places. Why? Well I have to dig in it why do I want so. It's not a newly built wish. It would not be wrong if I would say I have been wishing to visit these places from my childhood, OK fine, since I got consciousnesses. Fine now? Here comes the question WHY. First of all, I like travelling ALOT. Seeing new places and meeting new people are my favoritest things ever. I have a long list of places I want to visit and it keeps changing time by time. But these three places remained at the top. Let me answer one by one the WHY question:

Landi Kotal:

The main reason, why I want to visit Landi Kotal, is my nani's cherished memories about it which we used to listen like from ever. Her father was DSP before and after the creation of Pakistan. He was posted at many places in the subcontinent and he usually kept his family with him where ever he got posted. And where he couldn't be able to keep them with him, he usually brought them for a short trips. Our bedtime stories (and sometimes daytime stories as well) were and still are used to be all about the cities, people, traditions, etc of all those places he got the chance to serve at. The most exciting place I found among all is Landi Kotal. There is no serious reason for that but the places like it fascinates me like anything. He was posted in any nearby area of Landi Kotal (I dont remember right now which was the area) but he could not keep his family there, so the whole family took a train to visit the Landi Kotal.

Landi Kotal or Landikotal is situated in the Federally Administered Tribal Areas (FATA) of Pakistan. It is 1,072 meters above the sea and is the highest point on the Khyber Pass. It is also the route to Peshawar. It is the last railway station of Pakistan. From here, you can view Afghanistan on the other side of the border. Landi Kotal was used to be a tourist destination years back. I remember watching Travel Guide of Pakistan (a very famous and my fav PTV show. I used to be extremely jealous of its host that he got the chance to see the whole Pakistan free of cost, hn) about Landi Kotal which strengthened my urge to visit this place.

Khyber Train Safari is the most enthralling thing about Landi Kotal which is described as a journey into time and history. It used to be a weakly and then bimonthly service. The safari train ran between Peshawar and Landi Kotal through Khyber Pass. The train used to cover a total of 52 kilometers (32 ml) through 33 tunnels and 92 bridges and culverts and its track passed unusually through the runway of Peshawar Airport. Just imagine the thrill!!. 

The heartbreaking news is that the safari service was closed due to the washing away of railway track and bridges by flood. The security situation is not so good there these days. The roads which were beautifully built once, are completely broken now due to the heavy trucks and containers loaded with the tons of NATO supply transporting to US troops in Afghanistan. I met a woman in hospital who was from Landi Kotal. I used to ask her alot about LK. She told me that the distance between Peshawar and Landi Kotal was of approx. 2 hours but now it took 4 to 6 hrs to reach Peshawar because the trucks and containers with NATO supplies would drive very slowly and create traffic jams badly.

How unfortunate it is! I am Pakistani, living in Pakistan, want to visit another city of Pakistan but cannot for many reasons. But I still hope and pray that Landi Kotal would become tourists' destination and may its all beauty and charms come back again with no going back!!

Egypt:

The Mummy? The Mummy Returns? Indiana Jones? Well these movies happened to accelerate my enthusaism of seeing Egypt at least once in my whole life. I am a history loving person. Ancient history and remains of old civilizations mesmerize me. I found the Old Kingdom of Egypt as the most influential old civilization among all. When I read or watch any movie or documentary about these, I feel myself breathing in their age of thousands years back. I just want to ride a camel and get in to the Pyramids. It's so fun to read about their old kings, queens and princes. Mystery attracts me big time. And I found  Egyptian kingdom deadly mysterious.

There were many Egyptian students studying at my school in USA. I always wanted to make Egyptian friends so that I could arrange my Egypt tour easily. But you know when there is a motive behind any relationship, it would never get started. Darn! And the other reason was the Egyptian guys are not different from Pakistani guys. They used to stare like hell.

Another interesting incident. An Egyptian guy started taking interest in my friend. He liked her alot and then ended up proposing her. My friend was not ready at the beginning but seeing that guy's eagerness, I jumped in and finally convinced my friend to marry her. And you would catch my inside motive too ;P . My smooth trip to Egypt was not far away. They got engaged after the involvement of their families. He was very thankful to me and used to call me baji. He was a gentleman. The we returned. Wedding plans were under discussion. He visited my friend in Pakistan once. Everything was going fine. I still do not know what happened exactly but on his returned to Egypt, he broke the engagement and got married to an Egyptian girl. And left us with "Haw haye". He never contacted again, neither he received our calls. He suddenly came and got vanished from our lives. My first expression on all this was; "How would we go to Egypt now?". Yes sometimes I act mean, very mean. I am a despised person and should be loathed for all my valuable thoughts. I somehow held myself responsible for it too. I should have not insisted my friend to go for him. But khair their families were involved too. I got the punishment too. They had planned wedding in January 2013 which meant seeing pyramids very soon. I am not seeing my wish come true sooner or later. But who knows!

Turkey:

We all read alot about Turkey in our text books. Who can forget about the splendid  Ottoman Empire and then the Khilafat Movement. Turkey remained significantly important in Muslim world for centuries. I would be writing a separate post about Turkey in near future. It deserves it. The way Turkey has preserved their ancient history is very captivating. Their ancient majids, splendid gardens, old huge libraries, beaches, beautiful weather, newly built infrastructure, I wanna see the signs from my eyes how they once ruled the world, then faced the decline and now again at the take off position. And I also want to the Pamukkale, the aka Cotton Castle :)

Sophi's Relatable Post # 379

Those who do not know me think I am a reticent and a very reserved person, but those who know me wish I were!!

And this ......

These days when I am very excited celebrating first birthday of my driving with all the appreciation of my rapidly developing driving skills, I got this accident that has jolted my soul like with the 1000 watt electric shock. I felt so helpless at that moment. I wish I could have learned few ninja shots to lesson these jerks.

So I was passing through the Canal Bank Road. This road is a pretty long road with 6 flyovers and usually remains busy at all times of the day. I was in the middle lane with I think 70s speed. The car in front of me slowed down suddenly, gave the left indicator and started moving sharply but stopped because of the heavy traffic on the other lane. When I saw it slowing down and stopping, I slowed down my car and eventually stopped behind it. Three to 4 seconds passed and the car behind me hit my car with its full speed that made my car push ahead but I managed to save the car in front of me. The seat belt saved my head from hitting the wind screen but my neck received a sudden jerk and is still hurting. Who is at the mistake in such accidents? Of course the car that hit the other car from behind. It took few seconds that I realized what had happened. I came out and found a broken and hanging bumper with a small dent as well. The car that hit my car was driven by the chauffeur and the other man, who looked his master, was sitting in the passenger seat and his wife at the back seat. The man started on me why I did stopped in the middle of the road and that it was my mistake. I could stop my car with this speed and couldn't he. Arguments started and he started yelling. I asked him to pay for my loss because he hit my car. He said that I should pay him. The chauffeur started begging in front of my saying “baji meri galti hai muaf kar dein” but his master was very rude and started misbehaving. I would have forgiven if it was the only driver. I did it many times. When I tried to take his cars key from chauffeur’s hand, the man pushed me away. That flared me up. I asked him to behave and his wife from the back seat started abusing me and calling me with the bad names. The man and his wife were in their sixties and looked educated but look at their behavior!

I noted down his car’s number and stood in front of his car saying that I would not leave them without paying for my loss. The man said to the chauffeur; “Gari chalao mai dekhta hon is badmashan”. That was unbearable. He came out, pushed me to the other lane which was still running. I balanced myself by holding his door. He was sitting inside the car and pushing me away. They were leaving and there was nothing I could do. Giving it a climax, I held his hair but I was wearing gloves (which I wear during driving) so I could not pull his hair tightly. They speeded up and left. End of the drama!

The immediate thought that struck me was that he misbehaved because he saw me alone. Is there any respect of a woman in this society, specially when they are travelling alone? Could have he left like this if he would have hit a man’s car? Absolutely not!

And what was the attitude of the people standing around? (though they were 4 or 5 but they were there). Were they not seeing what he was doing with a woman? At that moment, I just wished to be in USA again for obvious reasons. On my return journey, I kept complaining Allah why He put me in such situation where I felt so helpless. 

It reminded me of another incident. It’s been few months I started driving. It was a narrow two way street and I was crawling at a snail’s pace because some kids were playing cricket there. Suddenly a car came from the other lane with the speed and our cars’ sides touched. There were no dent on both of the cars but just few lines. The guys came out and started yelling. My mother threatened them from calling the police. They flared up and punched at the back of my car which created a big bump. I was literally stunned. What did he really do? He left saying my mother; “Ja kar lay ju kar sakti hai” and few cheap abuses. I was scared like hell. My legs were shivering and finding no energy to move. An uncle who was watching all this, came to me and said; “Beta rona nahi. Aisay kharab log bhi isi duniya mai maujood hein lekin iska matlab ye nahi hai k achay log duniya se khatam ho gaye. Himat karo aur ab is incident k baad kahein driving karna chor mat dena dar k maray. Chalo shabash ghar jao”. I desperately needed that unknown uncle in the recent incident.

I was not interested to compensate my loss but these jerks need a lesson. So I handed over his car’s number to my uncle who is DSP traffic police these days. Within an hour he informed that they found the car at some signal and sacked it.

Fine but am I satisfied? My broken self esteem cannot be compensated. It reminded me all of those experiences where I felt myself so helpless, vulnerable and feeble. Such incidents tell me what’s my position in this society. As always, at the end of such experiences, I pray Allah Almighty not to put me in such situations again. I am praying same again. I can't take it anymore. So please Allah listen my prayers and accept them!

Thanking in anticipation!

:D

Rejections Overloaded

There was nothing to do and nothing to think upon, so I started counting on the rejections I have received so far. I left it when I reached to 27th, thinking who would give me a medal for the total number I have tried on. It might make me sad and tired to realize how many places I have applied at so far. It's been now more than a year I am unemployed with a foreign degree in my hand and a stamp of a scholar on my forehead. It doesn't mean I regret leaving my previous job and going to USA for studies. It was the best time of my life and I am truly thankful to Allah SWT for granting me the opportunity. Though I worked for few months but it was just a part time work and most of the requiters give a damn to part time work and shockingly many refused to include it in the work experience. But what I can do or say. Everyone has one's own perspectives which have been built over years. It is useless to convince anyone in meeting or two. If you try, it would be considered an argument which is not acceptable. So it is better to remain silent and leave quietly. 

I was teaching as a visiting lecturer at a 'renowned' university. As far as teaching is concerned, it was an overwhelming experience. But when you talk about the departmental politics and so-called professionalism (which I called dualism), I have never been a good player where ever I worked as I stayed miles away from the dirty professional politics. And if it is the penalty for not being a thespian, I accept it with an open heart and do not regret it over.

I was not a Ustani (teacher)-type person. I never thought I would join academia. Honestly, I didn't have the stamina to deal with grownup kids and secondly I always believe I do not have guts to convince people about any thing, be it a lesson or a matter of life. I was forced to join academia and when joined, I thoroughly enjoyed it. I tried to give it my best. Secretly in my heart, I always wanted to be a debater. But my shyness and laziness never allowed me to do so. Then I got a chance to speak up in front of a class of at least hundred students and it was awesomely amazing. I did not know my students literally understood my lecturers or not, but they told they did. Lolz. I have to believe them. But I realized later that I were sorta popular teacher at the department due to my interesting presentation of lecturers and liveliness in the class (according to my students, though I do not believe it wholeheartedly, it might be their attempt to score a good grade :) ). The saddest part is, this all has gone and only become a part of my memory stick. Reminds me of a song: 

All has gone 
Can't you see 
Lights slipped on 
Out of me 
Never could see the spring time 
Only believe in winter

But believe me or not, winters also rock. Though rejections make you sad, lonely and disappointed and at sometimes being cursed and abandoned  but you will pass it calmly if you strongly believe that nothing lasts forever, be it the good time or the bad one (though bad times seems longer). We have to face it whether we cry over it or keep quiet. So better be patient and believe that this too shall pass! 

Rejections are not only the ones that you apply for some vacancy and get rejected. Rejections also consist of the negative responses and denials of the people around you, who use to claim to be your best friends, understanding your unsaids but prove to be the firsts leaving you in the time of distress, thinking you would never be able to overcome your failures. These are the real rejections when people refuse to include you in your lives for whatever false presumptions they have in their heads for you. You do not really know what they think, but these rejections get overloaded and more painful when add up together and make you more depressed. 

The most crucial question is why do people leave you alone? There might be many reasons.  Firstly, they might think you would ask for some help from them. You would ask them to adjust you at the place where they work. Secondly, you might ask for financial help. Thirdly, they might want to save their perfectly running family and professional lives from your evil eye *evil wink*. And lastly, they are tired of listening your problems and your lifelessness. So they keep their shoulder safe from bending as you have cried over it alot and tell you it's the time to go find some other shoulder or use your knees to cry over. But these are the times when true friends are found for lifetime. And you learn to differentiate between donkeys and horses :) To say it is easy, but to experience it in your real life is goddamn difficult. That's why I disagree with 'sharing is caring'. Keep yourself with you. Everyone is busy in one's own life. You are the only one who has lifelong time for yourself. Accept your weaknesses and failures and make yourself your best friend so that you do not need to wait for someone to come and share your heart. But keep your doors open for sincere friends not for spectators!

My fav pic of the day! Remember you are a stomie, bas let these rejections pass once ;P!

To keep myself composed in depression, I try to do different things. More I get depressed, more I write and sleep. When I am not sleeping, I am writing. When I am sleeping, I am dreaming about writing something. So you will be seeing many posts in coming days and I ve postponed the idea of deleting my blog for the time being. What else am I doing these days? Hmmm yes stitching clothes. I love sewing. I am not expert in that but never mind I keep trying to become expert on day. I collected or abondoned clothes and stitched many cushion covers, dusters and table covers. I also tried few new dishes, would be writing on that too. That's all what I have to say for today. Bye till the next post :) 

Untitled

Suddenly I am getting extremely bored of my blog. It sucks, literally sucks. I just want to delete it right away. Wait a minute, is this blog really boring? are my writings tedious? or actually my life is numbing? I think the last one suffices my situation (though dont deny the first two options too). I want to erase everything I have done, spoken and listened in my whole life. I want to be a new born baby. A cuddling baby, who has no worries and pains. A baby who just starts walking and needs someone to be always with. If all this is not possible, then please someone could teach me the magic to disappear from the public! I want to be in people, but unnoticed and unseen. Is there any art to live in this world without being seen? You could see yourself, I already have so many questions to others and to myself, how could I answer your millions of questions? No one is giving me answers, then why should I answer you? And people insist on answers. To question is your right, but to answer is my right. I respect their right by listening their questions, why don't people respect my right by not asking for definite answers? If a life can be in black and white, why can't a mere answer be in b&w?

Next time when (if) you stop by, you might not see this blog. I am a moody person and who knows what mood I would be in next time!

Happy New Life, Mommy!! :)

Today was a historical day, I must say. Or if I say Octobers have been significant in our family life, it would not be wrong. Last October, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer at the second stage. She went through a very hard treatment and  with the help of Allah, successfully completed it today. It is Allah's special blessing that she came back to life, to a new life. We bow Him thankfully for His graciousness!

I usually do not talk about it openly. My very close friends only know about it. Dont know why, but I did not feel comfortable to share it with everyone. I just did not want that people took pity on us and asked horrible questions and disturbed us further. As now it's over, I think I am quite OK to say something about it.

So it was a first case of breast cancer in our WHOLE family, maternal and also in paternal. Our elders and we never heard about any women in our family who had it. But sometimes you are the first (and I am sure the last one inshAllah) who have to experience that no one have ever had. There were many stories that we used to hear about this disease and about its hard treatment, but stories are stories, realities are realities and realities are sometimes bitter and at times far easy to face.

There was a time when I hid this from my mother and used to cry alone in the corridors of Shaukat Khanum Hospital. And there is today when my mother told me how I have been of her strength the whole period. I told my mother how much we are proud of her, we really do! She is a brave woman.

When mother was diagnosed with this disease, my father had recently been discharged from the hospital too. He was not able mostly to come along for tests and to listen to the horrible discussions with the doctors. My brother was in Dubai and my sister is married in another city. After this news, I learned driving in just a week, which I had been trying on from two months. My motto through out was "be strong and make others strong".

Now sitting calmly and writing about it seem easy, but it had ONE long year of pain and stress at its back. It took exactly one year to complete the Chemotherapy, Surgery and Radiation. We literally counted on each and every day. It was not only my mother who suffered from it, our whole family suffered at each stage. But it was all past now. Today is all good Alhamdulillah. We forget darkness of the past when we get a new bright day. Green signal from all the doctors is a blessing indeed and a gift for our family on this Eid.

I tell from the core of my heart, the Shaukat Khanum Cancer Hospital is a blessing in our country. It has the most advanced technology and the most qualified team of doctors for curing this brutal disease. Its staff from a senior surgeon to a security guard would all welcome you with a smile and would help you out at their best. You forget your disease to see their friendly attitudes. We had a wonderful experience there.

This whole period left a deep down impact on me as well. Before, I used to afraid from death, now be at the hospital's corridor for months, listening painful stories and seeing people dying, one thing has made clear to me that death is inevitable, whether you run away from it or face it, and that life is the most uncertain thing in this world. Face the death with the belief that it is actually the beginning of an ever lasting life. It is just a door to another world. Be ready for your death!  One thing has clung my mind that I don't have enough time to collect whatever good I can collect from this world in terms of good deeds and noble virtues. Do not wait for the old age for ibadah. There is no tomorrow. Everything is today. So say your prayers and do some naiki with Allah's people.

Not only my beliefs have been changed, my whole outlook towards life has changed. Heard somewhere that every failure and struggle make you more strong. That's really correct. I am a stronger person now, in other words dheet :). Keeping my fears aside, I attended many awareness programs on breast cancer and tried to learn what it is actually and how we should deal with it and with patients having it. Now I try to educate other people about it. No one has asked me to do it but I just volunteer myself, thinking it's my responsibility too to share my knowledge and to save women from this silent killer. My mother's surgeon told my brother in my absence that I have been the most reasonable and sensible attendant they have ever had and that attendants like myself make 50% of their treatment easy.  :) . I still cant believe she said this seriously about me. Because she remains witty most of the time and doesn't mind cracking jokes even in the theatre. hehe Dr Huma Majeed Khan is adorable.  :)

Khair, I thank Allah Almighty, who passed us through this difficult phase successfully. Doctors' treatment and our prayers could have been nothing unless He gives shifa.

I am also very thankful to my dear friends for their sincere prayers and wishes and for their encouragement to me and my family.

So happy new life mama gee. We love you ALOT. May you live long with perfect health and may the the umbrella of your blessing remain on us forever and ever. Ameen!

And Eid Mubarik!!!!!!!!!

P.S: Prayers are requested for my mother that she remains safe from this disease for rest of her life. Ameen!

Missing my lonely walks

Have you ever tried lonely walks? If not, then try them now. I bet you will enjoy them thoroughly. I love walking alone. It's my recently discovered love. I am nature loving person. I adore everything related to nature, specially the sounds. I believe that nature talks to you if you try to listen it quietly. I love listening to the sounds of nature, be it sounds of blowing wind, flowing water, chipping birds, or the noise of trees when wind touches them. Spend sometime with yourself and listen to the rhymes of nature, leaving everything and everyone aside.

In MLK, I had few places where I always wanted to go alone. I used to walk for sometime, then sit on a bench away from people, thinking about nothing. I could seriously do it for hours, seriously!
Michigan Lake was just at 10 minutes walk from my apartment. Walking by the lake and sitting on a random bench for sometime was my pastime.

Here, after some struggle, I found a place where I can walk and sit alone without any disturbance. It's a very peaceful place in my uni.  Not most people know about it. It's away from the main building.

!!!

Harf-e-Tasali tu ik takalluf hai werna....
Jiska dard usi ka dard, aur baqi sub tamashai....

Scattered pieces

These days, I am in mood of reading. So I read alot. I read whatever available, from Meggi noodles ' packet to columns, blogs, newspaper, books, and what else. Khair these were few scattered pieces among many I read. My habit is to re-read what I enjoy reading at the first place. So publishing these few blogs and columns here will save my purpose forever. How clever I am.

- Innocence of Muslims: No, I will not 'get over it' by Bina Shah. 

If I would ever write any thing on this topic, my writing would be similar as Bina's. 

- This is an 'Islamic' republic: You can't sit next to your wife! by Noman Ansari

A lighthearted piece but is focusing on very serious issue. It reminds me of my friend who told me how much she wanted to hug his husband at the Lahore Airport when he returned from abroad after long 3 years. The poor girl was all teary on her helplessness. 

- Has Hindi become our nation language? by Khalid Amir Khan Gandpur

I am seriously worried about our national language and heavily inclination of young kids towards Hindi. When my nieces and nephews jokingly prefer using Hindi words in their discussion and show poor performance when it comes to read their Urdu lessons, it seriously hurts me. They are not responsible for that, but we are of course. 

- Two posts of Jahanzaib Haque are truly enjoyable; Shame on me for Championing Veena Malik and Maya Khan, apology not accepted.

-How can forget this You poor, oppressed Hijabi! but Zainab Khwaja. 

PS: would be updating it later. 

Permission denied

Wth is going on? Seriously what has happened to everyone? I tried to access the blogs I used to read just 2 or 3 years back and one consistent message I am getting is "Permission Denied". Why everyone has put their blogs on reader-invited mode? Or is it only for me? :( . I didn't have anything to do so thought of checking others blogs and got my big face back. Is it new fashion in the town? or People are talking about secrets of their lives so secretly on internet? Damn it, I so wanted to know about few bloggers, what's going on in their lives, how is life dealing with them, etc, but access denied. Anyway it's their choice to put their blogs in the way they want to. Who am I to tell them if they so want to hide their info then why did they create a blog in the first place as a public blog. Fine!!! Let it pass too. And thanks for those ika duka bloggers whose blogs are still open for all, specially for silent readers like myself. 

Mariabad, Quetta, Pakistan

I was searching idher udher and found out a picture of beautiful valley situated between the mountains. The picture was so catchy that I started searching more information about it. This is the picture:

Mariabad at Night

Just look at the picture. OMG I dont have words to explain this picture, but SubhanAllah!

So I did little search but could not find much information about this valley. This is what I found:

This beautiful picture is the picture of Mariabad or Mari abad. This valley is located near Quetta City in the Province of Balochistan, Pakistan. The valley is mostly inhabited by the the Hazara Community who claim to be the descendants of Chungez Khan. Because population is increasing densely here, people are compelled to build houses in the mountains. I found some more pictures on net claiming to be of Mariabad (not sure about it). Let's enjoy them:

Wow, good hein naa? :)

A good read

Just read this beautiful piece of Avital Chizhik. Simple but seems quietly soothing. She found something similar between Muslim and Jewish girls. Read it and find it yourself and say thanks to me for sharing :)

Time to look little girlish.

Yea girlish. That's right. I sometimes think being just a girl is not enough. You should act like a girl too to prove that you still belong to your genre. So first step to that is to learn some makeup and dressing-up techniques. I think I ve been learning this typical-girlish-stuff from a while but still didn't have my hands on.  

Background:

Makeup:

As a typical virtue of our desi families, when my sister got engaged, she did a short course of self grooming before getting married. So she became a little expert in makeup and for the one year (between engagement and wedding) she used to do my lil makeup. I never tried to learn at that time because all elders used to preach simplicity, except my mother. LOL. She loves makeup and wants to see all women in colors. 

So for a long long time I concentrated and wholeheartedly focused on my plain and simple looks.  At first I used to look simple intentionally, but later and still now too it became my habit not to wear makeup and jewelry. Unlike my mother, I am more than a little colorless and may be lifeless too because colors are the symbol of life :) .

Clothing:

In our childhood, we never shopped for our clothes. My nani always did it for us. Sorry not only childhood, she used to do it in our teenage as well. We were so pappu-type-bachay that we never ever objected on what she brought for us. We always obeyed and followed it blindly what she asked. It was when I joined college and realized I am kafi outdated. And you know the reason. Due to my dressing, I used to look 10 years older than my age. Not to blame my nani, she used to select what she thought better. Like all other elders, she wanted us to dress up decently, or  But it harmed one our important abilities and that is the confidence to shop, select and wear. When I started shopping by myself, I found it toughest task ever. There were times when I got so much confused buying clothes. Numerous times, I shopped for my masi. Yes it happened many times that I brought something home and would not like to put it on. And if it wasn't returnable, I had to make masi happy. I somehow controlled my habit of returning newly bought clothes and still working on my wardrobe.

And why I felt the change is necessary? 


It's a long story. But in a nutshell, I met some people in my life who convinced me how much boring my looks were. And the consistent person who  remained after me for a makeover was my sister. She always has some problem with me and still says that I should now look like a Madam, not like a simple plus boring darn creature.


Now: 
As explained, I have realized that my looks are becoming colorless (and hence lifeless) which is unlike my personality. So from almost two years , I am seriously struggling on my looks and trying to make them matched with my personality. I am working on my clothes, jewelry, shoes (which are already my passion) and bags etc etc. And most of all MAKEUP. All other stuff are under control but this makeup is beyond my control. Let's see what happened with my struggle of coloring my face!

Dheet, we are!

We make plans, they do not work out. We make alternate plans, they are also failed. We do not get tired and keep on trying. Plans over plans, plans over plans and during that we get ourselves hurt so badly that we refuse to think on what is actually going on. We cease to understand that we are not the planners of our lives, it is He who makes plans for us and those plans always always work out. But you know we are dheet (stubborn), we are dheet to the extent that we always trust our own plans. Why is this over-confidence? Or lack of confidence in Allah (SWT)? 

"I recognized Allah Almighty by the Failures of my Plans." 

The famous saying of Hazrat Ali (R.A). Have we ever thought upon it? Of course not. We are so busy in making our plans A, then B, C and so on. If our plan gets failed why don’t we stop and let Allah SWT’s plan to be executed? Because we not only lack faith in Him, but we are also impatient. We need something and need it right now. Only Allah SWT knows the exact timing of what should be granted to us.

So these days, all of us are suffering from these serious illnesses of dheetness (stubbornness), lack of faith and impatience. And these are prominent features of a weakening faith. I just read this beautiful verse:

 “And why should we not rely upon Allah while He has guided us to our [good] ways. And we will surely be patient against whatever harm you should cause us. And upon Allah let those who would rely [indeed] rely." (Verse 12, Surah Ibrahim).

So trust Allah, your Creator. He loves you more than anyone else in this world. Keep trust in his plans, they are most profitable, appropriate and everlasting.

Praise be to Allah SWT! 

Untitled

Sometimes in your life, you meet a person and you say 'Yes that's it'. The person lies in the type of the people you like most. And then you never ever meet that person again in your life. The strange thing is you don't even regret for it but the damn person leaves a damn benchmark and you unintentionally try to find the shadow of that person in those you meet later in your life. I wonder if someone, somewhere would have ever thought same for me. I fear NOT ;P.

Sign of what???????

I just suddenly landed on my blog and realized that I didn't write a single word from ages. I remember writing alot of crap, sharing unaccountable thoughts, discussing my fears, relating my experiences and what not. But now,  I seriously dont feel like writing anything. Or I do not want to share anything from what's going on in my life and with my mind. It's not that I ve changed for my blog only, but I am sort of changed person now. I dont know what has happened, but something has seriously happened with me. I do not share many important things even with very close persons in my life. I was very talkative, but now I thought what should I say, should i say something or stay silent. Sign of maturity? Nah.... i am suffering from a fear of annoying people. Or I am trying to solve my problem by myself, without asking others' help. What is it actually? I am unable to figure it out what's wrong with me. Perhaps nothing is wrong.

I smelt something strange in my on the weekend when I went for lunch with my closest and best friend first time after three long years. Both of us were studying in different countries.  Apparently we had alot of stories to share, but it was only she who was talking and i was the one thinking, ' i had alot of things to tell her but what were those'. Lack of concentration had been my problem but these days it is getting severe. I like myself talking all the time but I cant help myself from thinking all the time. Let's see what this changed person will do in coming days!