Puffy puff :)

Every thing looks fatty through puffy eyes.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

I cherished the times when we're together
I hoped that it would last forever
but now there's nothing I can do
today I’ll say my goodbye to you

Though it'll be long before I see you again
I know you will be happy there, safe and sound
and though I’ll miss you and love you that much
I know, my love for you is regardless of any bound

Time will pass, it would lessen the pain
but my feelings for you, it will stay the same

I’ll say my farewell
not to cry, I will not swear
I will miss you...

Is crying a crime?

These days, I am going through an emotional trauma and the advice that I receive instead of a consolation; “Don’t cry!! cowards cry like that”. I am surrounded by those 'love ones' who keep pushing me hard not to cry as crying is a cowardly act. The question that remains glued to me why it is considered a cowardly act to cry in front of people. Why our society does not allow us even to shed mere tears? Why is crying a stigma? Is this societal notion correct?

I would strong disagree with if some one considers crying alone or in front of anyone wrong. I cry when I feel alone, sad, depressed, frustrated, angry and even extremely happy. Yes I do cry when I get excited. Even when I laugh from my heart, my eyes fill with tears. Why? Because on such moments I don’t have words to express my emotions while my tears do that for me. Isn’t it easy? What’s harm in it? People can easily understand through your tears what you are failed to tell them. Crying is catharsis for me. I feel afresh after crying like you wake up after a peaceful 8 hours’ sleep. I have been doing that (crying in sad and happy moods) since long. People are used to say about me that my tears are ever ready on my lashes and they take no time in coming down.

There are some studies and research telling how crying can be a healthy for us. Crying provides hydration and lubrication, kills bacteria, removes toxins, and elevates mood through the effect on chemicals in the brain. Emotionally, crying relieves stress, builds community with others, and releases feelings. (http://www.beliefnet.com/Health/2009/04/How-Crying-Can-Be-Healthy.aspx?p=5)

It is a widespread belief that crying is therapeutic and.... failure to cry is a danger to our health. There are three kinds of tears distinguished (from a biological perspective) according to EmotionalProcessing.Org:

Who the hell has named crying a coward act? I would like meeting that bastard who had no emotions and feelings. Even Terminator got emotional in his films and we are mere human beings. We are built of emotions and feelings.

I often hear that men do not cry. Why? Because crying is a symbol of weakness. Is it really strength not to express our feelings? I bet no one can express their feelings properly when they are emotional. But the teary eyes tell a lot more with touch of sincerity and sympathy. Experiencing the feelings after a good cry, I can also bet that men do want to cry some times. If they don’t want, they should try it once.

Crying in front of people is not an ordinary thing. It needs courage and audacity to cry. It is an outward sign of how we feel and that we can also feel for ourselves and for others. I can cry every where and in front of anyone, in the street, in the meeting room, in restaurants, in cafeteria, at home, in front of my family and friends and even in front of my colleagues. I dont feel any embarrassment in crying. I prefer to cry in presence of someone because there should be some one to wipe out your tears. Crying alone and wiping out your tears all alone is meant to increase depression and frustration.

Crying is not a crime. It’s a human act and I don’t see any harm in being human.

Cuto baby! no one can look such adorable while crying :)

Friends Forever

On wednesday, Ta and umi visited me at home. It was a surprise visit. Cant explain in words how much happy I was. They did iftari with my family. Everyone at home was so excited to have them there. Even my father talked to them more than an hour. Dont know what they talked about, i was actually busy in Iftari prepation. They actually came to say good bye to my family, not me :) . So I visited them on thursday. We spent whole day together after a long time. They showed me their stuff which they were taking with them. I love their overcoats and long shoes. We talked alot, laughed alot on tiny things and also cried alot. Their moms were really upset. My mother and I consoled them alot. As both of my friends dont have brothers and they were running their homes like real daughters (I wont say like sons. Daughters can do more than a son can). So I assured them that I will be available for them for any type of help and I will inshaAllah mean it.

And finally we said good bye to each other for two years. They have taken alot of promises from me. The most important was that I would keep them as my best friends forever even having new friends and that I would join them next year. I dont know what lies in my future but I have promised them. I hope all good would happen in future. Ameen. My best wishes are with them. I hope this journey of two years would pass soon and they would rejoin us safe and sound. And their sacrifices would bear a very sweet fruit for them. Ameen.

This and that

Tum bhi Khafaa ho log bhi beraham hain dosto
ab ho chalaa yaqein ke bure ham hain dosto

kis ko hamaare haal se nisbat hai kyaa karein
aankhein to dushmanoun ki bhi pur nam hain dosto

apane sivaa hamaare na hone kaa Gam kise
apani talaash mein to ham hi ham hain dosto

kuchh aaj shaam hii se hai dil bhii bujhaa bujhaa
kuchh shahar ke chiraag bhi maddham hain dosto

is shahar-e-aarazu se bhi bahir nikal chalo
ab dil ki raunaqein bhi koi dam hain dosto

sab kuchh sahi 'Faraz' par itanaa zaruur hai
duniyaa main aise log bahut kam hain dosto

wah wah do you like it? I love this peom. Yes yesterday was the death aniversary of this legend poet Ahmad Faraz. May his soul rest in peace. Whenever I remember him, some of his poems strike me immediately and this is one of them.

Once I told this peom to some one and can't tell you how much i had to listen. Dont know that bezti comments were for me or for Faraz. But I think we both deserve them :) I dont think it's that bad. But liking or disliking depends on some one's nature.

Khair there is nothing special to blog but I wanted to just write some thing. What that should be? hmmm......wheather is quite good these days in Lahore mashAllah but there is still alot of load shedding. hmmm......I hope tailor would return my Eid dresses this week. Az's papers have finished of the last Prof and now the long waiting for the result. May Allah give him success. hmmm.......cable operating guy has become more religious than anyone else. He has blocked almost all the channels. Now there is a flood of sports channels. I have compromised with them happily (as always did) and regularly watch my favourite racing and swimming competitions...hmmm........my niece has expereinced her first fasting ever which turned out successfully mashAllah. She is ready for more fasting but her continuous coughing is a hinderance......I received pics of my cousin's new born baby girl. She is quite dark shaid abba par gai hai apnay.......Haf deserves an award for producing 3rd child in just 4 years of her marriage. Brave girl :P .......Papa has finally changed the exhaust fan of kitchen. Thank God otherwise it's difficult for me to even stand there....For passing time I have started learning Photoshop, my long time desire. It's going very well. I will show my remarkable pieces one day.

And I am also deperately trying to prepare for the GRE. I have lost all my focus, all my goals. Dont know how much time I would take to recollect myself. I swear GRE is hell difficult. Damn! I would lose every thing if I do not start its preparation. Have to do some thing seriously. Anyone any advice or suggestion???

Umi and Ta's flight is on August 29 at 5 am. I have decided to see them tomorrow at their homes. It would be difficult for me to go to Airport. Whenever I go to airport, I go only for receiving people. And each time I returned with tears in my eyes after seeing families saying good bye to their love ones. God I hate airports at such times. I always manage to skip such emotional moments and I am going to do same.

Things are getting out of my control. I want to do some thing and some thing else is being done. My coughing is getting bitter. I forget to take medicine every day. Some thimes, I find it difficult to speak. I know this coughing would last till the end of Ramzan due to khatti chaat and dahi bhallas and other spicy things :D .

Although I am used to write insane but this piece is unique of its kind, no logic, no coherence. This actually portrays the original condition of my mind. Damn!!!!

Ramzan Mubarik to everyone

May Allah give us strength to gain all the blessings of Ramzan.

Remember me in your prayers.

The Farewell Party

Yesterday was the busiest day. A friend had invited us for the lunch. Umi and Ta picked me from the office and reached to Arizona Grill. The food was really good especially the grill chicken burger, so yummy.

Then I went with Umi to her home. Spent few time with her and her family. Went through her preparation and all stuff she is taking with her.

Our department had arranged a farewell party at Salt and Pepper Restaurant at 7:30 pm. I reached there at 8:30 pm because I was with the chief guests. Ta and Umi were looking very nice and I was quite dull yesterday. The food was good although we were not able to eat much because of the heavy lunch we already had. I tried my best to finish one kabab, one tikka, rice and a glass of fresh lime sprite (my fav). But still I had to bring home left over with me. I was thinking that it will be my last late night from now.

Till the comments session started, I tried to control myself fully. But all colleagues’ comments for them and for me as well made us so teary.

Yesterday I have realized how much people were envied of our friendship. They were shocked why I was not going with them to Sweden as we were used to do every thing together. They made me realized how much alone and grieved I have become. I heard many tchtch voices. Some advised Umi and Ta that they should not forget me in future and that they should do every thing possible for me. And what was the result; I was all in tears keeping my head down. I didn’t think then where I was sitting and who was looking at me.

I wondered no one has given any encouraging or consoling comment to me. No one has told me what I had been trying to understand that this is the part. They all kept on telling me that I am alone from now. No female colleague came out with “You are not alone. I will be with you now”.

I returned home with the heavy heart. I didn’t know when I slept while weeping all night. In the morning, my eyes were puffy and my dark circles were clearer than ever. At office, people are still passing by me saying ‘Oh Madam you are left alone”. I am thankful to all of them that they have finally made me realized that this is the biggest phase of my life I am going through. I don’t know what would whether I will be able or face it or not. But it is confirmed that I am left all alone.

Days to Remember

(Public Service Notice: Although no one visits this blog. But I still want to notify everyone, do not visit this blog for few days. It’s going to be more pathetic. Thank you).

There are two days, which will remain in my memory forever December 1 2004 and August 20, 2009.

On December 1, 2004, I joined the organization I am currently working in with two of my friends. We became friends during Masters. During studies, we visited once this org as our study tour. We were students of Research Methodology & Thesis, so they had offered us for working in their Research & Development department. We were called right after completing our last semester.

I still remember that the interviewing panel had asked us many questions about our friendship and that how much strong our friendship was. We were interviewed separately, so I did not know what they had answered but I got bit emotional while describing our friendship. After interview, they called us all in the room and told that they had only two seats but they did not want to separate us so they were employing three of us. I couldn’t explain in words how much I was happy at the moment. In the last year of our masters we were very upset but this reunion was like a blessing. Seeing our sparkling faces, one of the members of the interview panel told that he was feeling like he had reunited with his own old friends.

Well the time was so much great. Facing all problems together, sharing each other’s pains and burden, celebrating each success together, the whole four years were more than any thing for me. I must say I used to enjoy a lot at office than at home given that the working was immensely tough. We did not go for any other job even having offers.

I don’t know who the hell has said that time does not remain same. We know somewhere that we would have to leave one day. But experiencing it is more than jus thinking about it.

Today is August 20, 2009, their last working day here. I did not want this day to come so soon but it has to. I spent whole day controlling myself not to cry in front of anyone. I want to bid them farewell with a big smile. They are already upsetting by leaving me alone here. I don’t want to spoil their joy of leaving this place for their lifetime opportunity. I was little bit succeeded as I said them goodbye saying that ‘we are meeting tomorrow naa for the farewell party’. Yes I avoided eye contact. The whole way to home, I kept crying after putting sun glasses on despite the raining outside. I know some bikers were mocking me but they might have mocked more if glasses were not there.

I can’t explain how much terrible I am feeling right now. I have been trying for days to face all this cheerfully with my-said-to-be-million-dollar-smile. I wonder if I would also make it through tomorrow, not to shed a tear in front of them. I still wonder…………Am I that brave? I fear I am not.

My tie fascination

Yes it’s really weird but I feel helpless sometimes in staring the necktie of the person in front of me. Some say they judge people’s personality by talking to them. Well I usually judge how much other person is sophisticated by checking his tie. hehe I know it’s odd but I do that unintentionally. I hate to talk to those people who are used to wear neckties of sharp colors and of miserable designs matlab kabhi tu hua but rooz.... Nai seriously if you don’t have a taste for neckties don’t put them on. What’s the heck in it? But people think they look smarter in bharkeeli ties. God it is really difficult to control my tongue by saying some thing at such moments.

I do have an excellent taste in buying neckties and I love praising myself. I hope no one would have any problem with it. Any problem? Whenever I go for shopping I cant stop myself buying a tie if it looks cool. Let me clear it, I am used to buy neckties for my father and brother and it is the only shopping, which I enjoy a lot except my own stuff. Although they say that I have good taste in males’ stuff rather than females’. Damn!! I know it’s wrong. I have good taste in both...any problem?? :D

My brother does not know how to make knot of necktie. Whenever father’s not at home, and AZ needs to go somewhere with necktie on, he starts fighting with me that I should at least learn to make a tie-knot. And I always feel embarrassed don’t know why. Given my fascination, I should learn it.

So these days, I am practicing making tie-knots. My father makes a very complicated knot. AZ is trying to learn a simple knot from his friend and we both are practicing it these days. A necktie always lies right next to his pillow, he and I try it each passing by. Honestly speaking, I always forget from where to start and which part should be up and which down. I usually make very ridiculous knots and insist that it is really fine. And AZ always protests that he will not wear it at all. I hope I will learn it soon. Lol…..

People who remain in my memory and would remain there forever are just because of their neckties of soft colors and fine designs and their nicely made up knots. The tyranny is that they do not know I like them and why. I will always remember my ex-boss who had a really very nice collection of neckties and he used to make beautiful knots. I still remember his light pink and sky blue ties. White’s design was really good. Although I did not like most of his attitudes but I always gave him the tie-based margin. Once I heard him telling some one that his wife used to shop for his stuff. Well I always admired her and her taste hehe but in case of ties only :P Sometimes mom asks me: “did you see that guy”? And I replied “He …oh God…. He was so indecent. Did you see his cheap tie?”

Don’t think that I will myself someday try necktie, never rather girls wearing neckties look clumsy to me. Girls’ necks are only made to wear necklace or scarf and neckties suit to men only.Carefully selected neckties matching with their shirts, definitely enhance the looks of someone. People with pathetic collection of ties should reconsider their taste as girls do notice their ties too :P

First Iola and now Pinky

Is that so easy to slip from the scene suddenly? wo kiya kehtay hein gadhay k sar sey seengh ki terhan. I guess it is. Some one has rightly said that the most unreliable and erratic relationship is the 'cyber friendship'. (name of this person can be provided on request:P )
Well everyone has the reason to do so. I hope this reason is all good in every sense.

Best of luck to Iola and Pinky as well. And I try to remember you all :)

Today is my doll's birthday

My niece has turned 10 today. She is the first grand child of our family. I still remember how much we were excited to this addition. God! my brother and i were crazy about her. We were used to watch her sleeping for hours. She was a like a little doll for us with whom everyone wanted to play. She still enjoys the special place.

Her intelligent talks and incessant questioning sometimes irritate but they reflect her deep down thinking. As she is the first child and the pampered one, she is extra sensitive toward attention. She enjoyed the only special place for four years but when her brother arrived to share everyone’s attention, she could not accept it. At this age also, she still fights why nana or khala or mamo kisses the choto. Hahaha once she said “No one loves me. haye Allah mai paida hi kiyun hoi”. Anyhow, she would definitely realize one day how much everyone loves her.

She keeps me as her ideal. How I talk, how i walk, how i dress up, she follows every thing. See how much she is stupid. I think all children fantasize their khala and mamo alot. That's my personal veiw. heheh My brother in law says that she talks alot like me and she has even adopted my spotaneous style of talking. Well I think she is blessed then. Although my brother in law does not agree with me but who cares.

She is completely in love with my stuff. Whenever she comes to stay at our home, i can find nothing at its place. She adores my shoe and scarf collection. Tries every thing with my hand bags on and acts like she is also going to office. Well I simply love all this. But I irritate when she plays games on my cell :x

Well baby! I love you so much. And it is you who tells me that I can also be followed as a role model :) Thank you very much :P hehehe

Here you are:

One week old :)

At four months

Six month oldie :P

One year Old

Two year Old

I think she was 3 here :/

Yes teeth growth shows that she's a big girl now :D

It's her favourite pic :)

And it's my fav :D

May Allah bless you with long life, health and success. Ameen :)

For Me :)

Only 20....

I don’t know what has happened to me. I have lost all interest in every thing around. Deadlines are haunting me but I find myself unable to meet them. It’s like I sit on couch and watch the things happen around me. A real spectator………..

Strange restlessness is running in my blood. The feeling of losing some one is quite strong. And the fear of loneliness is stronger than every thing. Only twenty days are left. Only twenty……….

Hang on!

Interveiw went on really good. I am informed by the USAID that my hanging in the air would continue till further their instructions..... ahhhh..........The time is not defined. I think it would take good three to four months. My admission is late and they are trying to adjust me in the Spring 2010 Semester. Embassy will hold my passport till then. And why it is late? Just because of their Mission in Pakistan. Damn lazy people!! Khair I am not alone. All other girls are with me. God knows if I' ll be able to snatch a seat in that semester or not. Let hope for the very best. Dont know why I am getting so much down these days.

yeah trapped completely

Well you can expect every thing from children.


It reminds me an interesting incident. Long time ago, my nani got a severe back injury and doctors advised her to sit only on the lawn chair, dont know why. Our lawn chairs were some how like these:

Those were made of iron completely and were very delicate and stylish. Their shape was slightly easy than those of in the pic above. So my nani used to grab her chair every where. Even the chair accompanied her in the TV room too.

Bari ammi was quite bulky those days (she is very weak now. May God bless her with healthy life). We were used to call her 'bari ammi'. At that time, I used to believe that every person has two mothers, one mama and the other is bari ammi. Once my friend told me about her nani. And I asked bari ammi innocently 'who is our nani?' She still laughs whenever she remembers that.

Khair i was telling you the incident. We all were watching a drama on PTV (the only channel then). Nani was as usual sitting on her lawn chair. AZ (my bro) was just 6 to 7 years old then. He used to wander one room to another whenever we watched any play. He didn't have any interest in dramas. So as the routine excersice, he tried to flee from there. As TV room was khacha khach full, so he tried to escape by crawling under nani's chair. We didn't notice that. Suddenly Nani screamed 'aaaahnnn' , followed the voice of 'kharchtchtch'. The delicate supporting rode under the chair was broken and nani was on AZ. She tried but couldn't stand up. AZ was brutally trapped under the broken chair with heavy duty nani on it. I still remember his moti moti eyes were getting more moti. We were trying to help nani in raising up but she had the severe back ache and mama was trying to pull AZ's legs. Fortunately papa was home. He reached there and with great strength lifted nani up in his arms and set AZ free. hahaha......Papa was asking AZ 'what were you doing under the chair?' He replied after correcting his breath 'mai tu dosray room mai ja raha tha' (I was going to the other room). Papa responded angrily: 'I didn't know this way also goes to the other room'. Whenever we recall the incident, dont know why AZ gets embarrassed. hehehe :)

Tell me seriously, how many of us can really do this?

I am totally amazed to read this news. It can be done only in Western societies. I never heard such incident happened in our society where students always underestimate themselves and consider their joblessness as their fate.

What if jobless students sue their institutions in Pakistan? Hahaha .All institutions would have to stand in the queue for the court hearing.

More I trust people, more I stab in the back :|

Few days back, I was thinking that I would never be able to write again. But I am a proven stubborn. lol.... The word 'stubborn' reminds me many things. When I was first called a stubborn on my face by another stubborn person man (hehehe he will surely kill me if he ever reads it), I flew in anger. I still hate whenever he calls me S.T.U.B.B.O.R.N. But I realized by the time that he is right :) . I am a real stubborn in many ways. Khair the post is not about my stubborn nature. It's about another stab which I have delightfully received in my back.

Sometimes I love of being an unpopolar blogger. It's a blessing in disguise really. I write whatever I want knowing that there would not be much people reading me. It’s a place where I wrote whenever I have come in. But now I don’t have any thing in my mind to write upon. Or it may be because I didn’t want to share any thing with anyone, not even with my closet friends. But if i dont want to share any thing with anyone, then why did i come here at the first place. Well it's a good unanswerable question. I simply do not want any sympathy or consolation. I am full of it at the moment.

But yes I have come here to console myself. I need myself at this time.

I am just tired of being indifferent. I am human like everyone with intense emotions and feelings. It did hurt me as it might be to anyone. It did affect me. In fact it jolted my whole life. Why everyone is expecting me to forget it at once and go a head? I can’t, even if I try.

I wept for days, not that she deceived me. It was because she happened to shatter my trust in people completely which was already shaking. I could not sleep for some days. I still sleep with an awakening mind. I know my whole family is suffering through it. Everyone keeps on consoling me by saying ‘just lay off’. But it is really difficult rather impossible for me to lay it off. Whenever I think how I trusted her blindly, I cry helplessly. She is my chilhood friend, my close relative.I wasn't expecting that in my wildest dream.

My sister wanted me to call her and say every thing whatever was there in my heart. But I did not want to even listen her making lame excuses. I have left every thing to Allah. He is the greatest Healer. Although it is quite difficult but I will try to forgive her and her family as well. But I dont know when.

It pinches me alot how could people live a dual life? How could people be at ease even breaking some one's trust (forget the heart)? How do they face themselves? It is the only me who is left with such questions. Damn!

Everyone suggested me to take a leave and visit somewhere for the sake of change. I was not ready at that time. But I think it did help me to overcome my condition. I spent almost a week in Islamabad. Visited many places. We stayed at my cousin’s home. My sister and her kids accompanied me. I enjoyed a lot. It was a real fun. I will definitely post some thing with pics about the places we have visited.

I went through some of my previous posts. How much excited I was about my selection in WLTIE. Some one once said to me (yes the uncle who is used to call me 'stubborn'): “You lose the focus and sight of your goal whenever you are angry or depressed”. It did happen. I have almost lost what I had dreamed and targetted. I would have to collect myself once again for my lifetime goal.

I know good and bad things happen in our lives. And we have to face whatever has written in our fates. I am just praying that Allah may give me strength to face every thing that has happened and which is going to happen. Ameen.

My sis' favourite quotes which she keeps on repeating to me: